These Are America’s Saddest Attempts To Compete With Imports As Reviewed By MotorWeek

Deep in the throngs of the Malaise Era, GM excreted this dorky looking little rear-wheel-drive hatchback in an attempt to remain relevant among the imported compacts that were flying off dealer lots. Unfortunately, the Pontiac 1000 and its Chevrolet Chevette sibling were nowhere near as compelling to buyers. This video highlights a 30-second 0-60-mph time, and a 23.3-second quarter-mile time. Need I say more?

This K-Car twin was not a sales failure – in fact, the design saved Chrysler from bankruptcy, but that doesn’t mean it was a good car. In this road test, the handling was so incredibly bad that the MotorWeek test staff had to reduce the speed for their emergency lane change test from 55 mph to 45 mph so the LeBaron could navigate it successfully. Separately, what the hell is going on with the back half of the car? Those rear doors should be illegal.

The Mercury Topaz and Ford Tempo were two very short-lived nameplates for the American giant. They only lasted ten years total across two generations, and these compact cars were competing with the likes of the Honda Accord and Toyota Camry, which were still compacts back then. This awkward-looking little car was yet another American compact that just didn’t sell.

This video focuses on three other American luxury sedans, but the Brougham was the most outdated by 1988. It still had a carbureted 5.0-liter V8 that coughed out 140 measly horsepower, and as John Davis remarks, it features cheap vinyl and plastic wood in the interior and drives best when you “aim the hood ornament, set the cruise control and make miles.” I secretly want to drive one of these just so I can marvel at how laughable it is.

This trio of “Dustbuster vans,” as they became colloquially known, certainly didn’t fly under the radar. Aside from the polarizing looks, the APVs were severely underpowered in their early days: with a best 0-60 time of 12.3 seconds these vans were not well equipped to haul a full load of passengers. GM’s vans never sold as well as the Chrysler minivans, and they did not stand the test of time as well as the imports. I still freak out on the very rare occasion I see one on the roads today.

This is one of the cars I had never heard about before watching its MotorWeek Retro Review. Another American compact sedan meant to compete with the Accord and Camry, this ES version actually had solid performance with the turbo motor, but I don’t think I have ever seen one on the road in my 28 years of existence.

This one might come as a surprise. I put the Solstice and Sky in this slideshow for a few reasons, but mainly because they were not as good to drive as their only real competitor, the Mazda Miata. I am glad GM produced these two cars, and I absolutely love their styling and the attempted mission, but these sports cars were not as nimble as the Miata and somehow managed to be even less practical.

The Allante is a famous flop. It was an automotive projectile aimed squarely at the legendary Mercedes-Benz SL, but its execution ensured a failure to launch. This front-wheel-drive, two-seat roadster was significantly slower than its German competitor, lacked the SL’s panache and had a fickle soft top.

The Cimmaron is another legendary American automotive flop. Meant to battle the likes of the BMW 3 Series, this Chevy Cavalier-based front-wheel-drive compact was an immediate joke. Cadillac couldn’t get their compact car recipe right until the CTS came along about 20-years later. Watch this video for a laughable comparison between Cimmaron model years.

The lumpy looks of this family car did it no favors when compared to its competition. Certainly distinctive, the ‘90s Skylark’s take on art deco is just plain weird, especially the interior’s “design.” Again meant to compete with the heavyweights like Accord and Camry, this three-speed car just didn’t have the chops to hang with the big sellers.

The Citation was a big seller for Chevy, but that doesn’t mean it was a good car. This brand-new test car’s engine rattled so hard it dislodged its own belt during testing, and there were many dissatisfied customers who faced leaking transmissions and prematurely locking brakes. Another car you almost never see on the road today.

The Oldsmobile Cutlass Calais was the result of a desperate attempt by Oldsmobile to find a new buying audience, as evidenced with the company’s slogan: “This isn’t your father’s Oldsmobile.” This compact coupe had some respectable power from the Quad 4 engine, but it lacked the lasting allure of other sporty front-wheel-drive coupes. I only know one Olds Calais that is still on the road, and my friend owns it.