The Rolls-Royce Cullinan will be the hero of every parking lot. Even the sort of underwhelming grocery store parking lots, the kind that make you go, “wait, why is that here?” But if you want the peasantry’s next question to be “and who the hell would make it look like that?” then surely you need the Rolls-Royce…

Good morning! Welcome to The Morning Shift, your roundup of the auto news you crave, all in one place every weekday morning. Here are the important stories you need to know in the case that your boss asks you “so when are we getting high-octane gas in America” and you need to look smart.

Here it is, finally, after years of teasers and camouflaged mules: The 2019 Rolls-Royce Cullinan. The Rolls-Royce of SUVs is here at last. And it has a wicked trunk setup.

Here’s the Rolls-Royce Cullinan undergoing its last rounds of testing before it assumes its final form, which is that of a money printer for the BMW Group.

Because the sky doesn’t produce as many shooting stars as the wealthy deserve, Rolls-Royce made the new Wraith Luminary Collection. It’ll have Rolls’ classic starry fiber-optic headliner, blanketing passengers in a mock night sky with an exorbitant price when the real one is just a chauffeur-opened door away.

This 1974 Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow is for sale in Norway for 890,000 kroner, or around $113,000. If I had the money, I would buy it. As the description says, the Rolls will help you “wake up the madness of life.” I believe it.

You know what the problem with people today is? Total lack of foresight. Everyone’s so focused on what’s right in front of their noses, they’re not seeing the big picture. That’s what separates the real winners from the losers. Now, it’s time to talk about Rolls-Royce.

Rolls-Royce, like most major companies, has a site where it posts press releases to keep media up to date with the goings on in its diamond-encrusted hallways which are spritzed hourly with the milk of a sparkly unicorn, also made of diamonds. They read like the diary of a billionaire’s child who can do no wrong, and…

In case you weren’t aware, Rolls-Royce’s online configurator is the planet’s best online configurator. If you’re sick of the miserable, grayscale “rainbows” of non-color offered by lesser makes like BMW or Mercedes, the dazzling array of options available to the discerning Roller buyer will delight you.

Buying Lamborghinis, Ferraris and Maybachs and flaunting wealth seems like a good idea until Bulgaria, one of the most impoverished members of the European Union, decides to have police stop and check expensive cars and investigate owners for tax fraud and money laundering.

Rolls-Royce, when not content making gargantuan, hulking sedans and coupes for today’s plutocrats, is now busying itself with making gargantuan, hulking SUVs as well. While we’ve seen prototypes of the vehicle, RR will soon be revealing the Cullinan in full in private showings this summer. This only means one thing:…

Rolls-Royce is often like that kid from grade school who always talked about having better stuff than everyone else. “Oh yeah? Well my mom bought me a Razr because I didn’t want a lame silver flip phone.” Perhaps that’s why, instead of putting a normal chair in its London showroom, Rolls found a $52,000 one.

Some look at Rolls Royce Silver Shadow II and see an exquisite piece of work, the epitome of automotive luxury and class. Others may see a blank canvas, and go to work tearing it apart, running homemade piping along the roof, and turbo plumbing out of the nose, and now you can buy it.

There’s no shame in faking it ‘til you’re making it, and what better way to fake it than by driving a genuinely nice and enjoyable ride. This is good for self confidence, impressing a date, impressing your friends, impressing your parents, and possibly most importantly, impressing your colleagues and superiors.

Recently, Rolls-Royce had recording artist Skepta get in the back of a Phantom and record a song for a promotional video. It was meant to show how silent the car is—enough to be used as a recording studio—but it seems to also be so quiet that no one could hear their common sense telling them to put on a seat belt.

Christmas is coming up fast and that means you have to start buying gifts for people. Luckily, I acquired a copy of lifestyle magazine Town and Country (not the Chrysler product) and they have a few perfectly sensible automotive gift ideas for the car person in your life. After all, car enthusiasts are sometimes hard…

Autonomy and electricity are the future of the car industry, but not for Rolls-Royce. See, Rolls-Royce customers should not have to sit in a driver’s seat and tap a steering wheel to tell a car they’re still awake. The thought of it is absurd. They have chauffeurs for that, so long as future generations learn how to…

Rolls-Royce has a lamp that’ll show you how paint colors will look under the sun anywhere in the world, because you don’t want to design a $500,000 car only to have it look dingy in your driveway. But that lamp probably won’t show you how your car will look in a sinkhole, which is where this Rolls ended up.

Did you know that you can buy an old Rolls Royce for, like, the lint and lose change in your pocket? Anybody can get one of these cars off Craigslist now, but turning one into an ass-hauling hot rod takes a special kind of demented genius.

You probably think being me is a walk in the park, don’t you? From the outside, it seems like life is just dandy: jetting around to various properties, buying things that aren’t for sale and hours rife with substance abuse spent at the spa. Well, it’s not. I have enemies.