For those just joining us from twenty years ago, Top Gear host Jeremy Clarkson hates a lot of things. There is perhaps nothing he hates more, though, than CNN commentator and one-time British tabloid editor Piers Morgan, who he once punched in the face. Which is part of the reason why their fight over Twitter today was so hilarious.
Clarkson and the rest of the Top Gear crew are out somewhere in the world right now filming their upcoming Christmas special. Clarkson claims it to be their most grueling and remote yet, but apparently not so remote that he couldn't take time out of his day to randomly insult Morgan on Twitter:
What a monumental twat this man is. I cannot wait for the day he goes to prison. pic.twitter.com/d3mU6j0mdK— Jeremy Clarkson (@JeremyClarkson) October 27, 2013
Not finished, he decides to give a warning to us here Americans:
Americans. Don't trust Piers Morgan. He knows how to hack your phone and will fuck up your army for a buck.— Jeremy Clarkson (@JeremyClarkson) October 27, 2013
Clarkson's referring to Morgan's tenure at the Daily Mirror, which regularly hacked into people's phones in a desperate attempt to get scoops when under Morgan's command. Morgan always claimed he had no knowledge of the tactic, though the official investigation into the hacking found Morgan's comments "utterly unpersuasive."
Clarkson's second bit about the army probably refers to a second incident that occurred that resulted in Morgan eventually being fired from the Mirror, when in 2004 it published fake photographs of British Army soldiers abusing Iraqi detainees.
Fortunately for us, Piers Morgan cannot let the historically blood-curdingly British insult of "twat" slide, so he fired back:
You had your chance @JeremyClarkson - unfortunately you punch like a muscle-depleted chihuahua. So pipe down, you gnarled old fool.— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) October 27, 2013
I've known many a muscle-depleted chihuahua that have actually been quite vicious, but I'm not sure Clarkson has the energy for that.
And why are you issuing advice to Americans @JeremyClarkson ? They've never heard of you.— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) October 27, 2013
I wonder if poor old @JeremyClarkson 's little hissy fit today is connected to Top Gear's disintegrating ratings & rumours it may be axed?— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) October 27, 2013
Psst, hey Piers! Piers! I'm pretty sure we have. Top Gear been massively popular in the US, spawning its own American-flavored spinoff, and when 60 Minutes ran a special on the show in 2010 it was their highest single rated episode of the entire year. It was watched by 16,000,000 viewers, which is probably a bit more than the average night of Piers Morgan's show on CNN.
As children are wont to do, Clarkson replied that it was not he who was going to be fired, but Morgan:
I'm going to bed now, happy at the news from CNN insiders that Piers Morgan will soon be sacked.— Jeremy Clarkson (@JeremyClarkson) October 27, 2013
This whole thing went on for a bit before Morgan called Clarkson a "racist pot-bellied pig," and I wonder what Morgan has against the beautiful breed of the pot-bellied pig, and then Morgan likened him to a gorilla, because why not.
Clarkson unfortunately went to bed before this could continue any further, but it looks like they at least had a good laugh out of it:
Piers Morgan and Jeremy Clarkson need their own show, right now. If only to watch Clarkson destroy Morgan, and then watch Morgan somehow gloat that he won.
I love the United Kingdom.
Photos via Getty