It’s the holiday season, and that means that there’s a whole panoply of holidays and customs to navigate, and you need to be ready. The automotive world has a number of major holidays this time of year, and it makes sense to know what they are. You don’t want to tell someone “Happy Honda Days” and find out they celebrate Toyotathon!

So, to help you out, here’s a quick guide to the major observed automotive end-of-year celebrations, saleabrations, and various holy ‘athons:

Happy Honda Days

Still one of the most popular of all the major car holidays, the followers of Happy Honda Days celebrate this time of year by awaiting the rebirth of their messiah, Sochiro Honda. They retell the story of the Great GM Smackdown, and bake cakes in the shape of CVCC engine’s pre-combustion chamber.

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Preferred greeting: Happy Honda Days to you, brother/sister

Suitable gift: Simply a warm hug while whispering in their ear, “May VTEC kick in, yo.”


Toyotathon

For many years, Toyotathonians have had a very adversarial relationship with Happy Honda Days celebrants, but efforts are underway to promote better relations. One of the most popular of the automotive winter holidays, though the practice has become quite secularized in recent years.

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Preferred greeting: Toyotathon is on! (punctuated by a kiss on both cheeks)

Suitable gift: A well-placed dent in the corner of a Camry’s bumper, or perhaps anything with “Grounded to the Ground” cross-stitched on it


Lexus December to Remember

There’s a lot fewer Lexonians who celebrate December to Remember than their are, say Toyotathonians, but they tend to celebrate the holiday with real intensity. The use of oversized novelty bows is common, as is a ceremonial reading of the Consumer Reports annual owner satisfaction report.

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Preferred greeting: May your December be Memorable! (accompanied by a hand placed gently on the groin in a non-threatening way)

Suitable gift: A signed 8x10" glossy photograph of any stripper who uses the name “Lexus.”


Hyundai Holidays

The Hyundai Holidays Sales Event is the most important holiday in the Hyundai religious calendar, even beating their Pony Chuseok holiday that celebrates both the harvest and the return of the original Hyundai Pony to the Hyundai afterlife, known as 녹 세계 (nog segye), which roughly translates to ‘rust world.’

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Preferred greeting: While pressing foreheads together, both parties whisper “Hyundai Holiday” in unison

Suitable gift: A wad of pony meat, wrapped in a map of Tuscon or Santa Fe.


Volvo Wonder of Winter

Traditionally a very somber holiday, the use of the word ‘wonder’ here is closer to the idea of marveling at something in a state of shock. It’s a traditionally Swedish holiday where Volvo owners glumy admit to themselves winter has barely started.

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Preferred greeting: A close hug, with both parties whispering “I know...I know” to the other

Suitable gift: Anything warm: sweaters, cauldrons of soup, a flaming ottoman, etc.

Mercedes Winter Event

The Mercedes-Benzites regard this as a very utilitarian, businesslike holiday. It’s winter, and this is an event. Any attempt to read more meaning or depth into the holiday is seen as highly offensive.

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Preferred greeting: “It is winter. This is an event.”

Suitable gift: White tube socks, possibly a small ruler (metric only).


Chevy Red Tag Sales Event

A highly raucous, festive holiday, the Chevrolenians first started celebrating Red Tag as an attempt to bring more raw, unguarded spirituality into the automotive holiday space. Also, there’s a lot of drinking.

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Preferred greeting: “Woooooooooooo!”

Suitable gift: Any booze. Possibly a bag of ice, or the promise of oral copulation.

I’m sure there’s some I’ve missed – we live in a gloriously diverse country, full of all manner of holiday automotive saleabrations. Whatever you and your loved ones practice, I hope you find the amazing deals you’re looking for before time runs out on the amazing savings.

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Happy Saleabrating to us all.