Flyer Accuses Tesla Owners Of War, 'Strange Sex,' 'Anal Itching'

In San Francisco, a place that's normally pretty welcoming to Teslas, a number of Tesla owners have found this tinfoil-headgear-feeling flyer left on their cars. It's not known who's leaving them, but they're full of exciting stuff, like how Tesla owners are drunk perverts who cause wars. Let's look at it in detail.

I'll be up front here with some of my biases: I think Tesla makes a remarkably well-engineered car. I don't think it's perfect, but I do think it's extremely impressive and easily could be an early example of what the future of automobiles may be. I've also only had the chance to drive a Tesla very briefly, and have been forbidden to drive one by Tesla, on one occasion. Tesla is not paying me in any way whatsoever to believe or not believe anything.

So, that out of the way, let's look in detail at what this flyer is going on about:

CONSUMER ALERT: Urgent Alert About Tesla Cars. If you drive a Tesla, or know some one who does, Did you know?:

First off, a question mark and a colon? Come on.

Lithium ion batteries blow up if they get wet or bumped. They have already burned planes. cars, homes & childen. There have been tens of thousands of lithium ion battery fires & explosions. Tesla's have over 7000 'non-automotive designed batteries in each car, that means over 7000 chances of having a catastrophic fire.

This is a pretty gross oversimplification, and an awful lot of wild exaggeration. Lithium-ion batteries don't "blow up if they get wet or bumped." Almost every laptop has one of these. Think how often those get wet or bumped — humanity would be almsost exterminated, with maybe a few communities of Amish people and some deep-Amazon indigenous peoples left to carry on. This shit just doesn't happen like that.

If you're going to say there's "7000 chances of having a catastrophic fire" in a Tesla, you may as well point out that for a conventional internal-combustion car, at idle you've got about 66 explosions happening every single second just a few feet in front (usually) of your chest, and there's a big-ass tank full of flammable liquid stored right inside the car. Oh, and if you sit in that idling car in a closed garage long enough, you can die.

You can make any car sound like a scary bomb-in-waiting.

By driving a Tesla, you are involved in organized crime. Tesla bribed Congress people and federal staff to get the car funded using your tax money.

That money could have gone to pay for schools, firemen and urban blight. if you like organized crime in public policy, then the Tesla is for you!

First, I haven't found any credible evidence at all to support this. And how much hypothetical money do these flyer-typers think was spent? Paying for "schools, firemen, and urban blight" seems pretty expensive, especially if we're talking about a national scale. Also, why are we giving money for "urban blight," again? Are we funding wind0w-breaking classes at community colleges?

Tesla investors urged the Afghan invasion to get the lithium for the batteries in Tesla and the indium for Solynda and create a Silicon Valley VC Lithium monopoly to make a trillion $$ profit for themselves. So you are supporting a war if you drive a Tesla.

The US invaded Afghanistan in 2001. Tesla was founded in 2003. So there's that. Also, I wonder if any wars have ever been fought to secure access to oil? I'm not saying that would make this wild allegation right, but it's worth noting in context.

When lithium ion batteries go off in a Tesla, or in an enclosed train or airplane body, they release toxic cancer-causing fumes that can also destroy your lungs, brain and nerve system. Asian workers who make them have died. Over 400 federal reports confirm the toxicity of the Tesla smoke & fumes.

"When lithium ion batteries go off in a Tesla..." What's this mean? When they explode? When they pile in and take off to go grab some burgers and beers? It's not wrong that lots of noxious chemicals are used in battery production, but this is hardly an issue unique to Tesla. Also, there's no real sources here.

And, again, it's not like regular cars don't produce fumes that can kill you, too.

Over 40 federal heads of agencies, and their senior staff, have quit, or been fired over this. yet the coverup continues. By diving a Tesla you are supporting a consumer protection issue cover-up. Almost all of them had a stock investment connection to Tesla's suppliers. You are supporting corruption by diving a Tesla.

"... fired over this." What's "this," exactly? What are these 40 agencies?

Tesla has multiple lawsuits currently filed against it for multiple deaths of bystanders, fraud. lemon law violations, and stock fraud. By diving a Tesla you are saying you have no morals.

Again, no real sources cited for these, and the leap that driving a Tesla says you have "no morals" is pretty laughable.

Google, the worlds largest surveillance company, is a silent partner in Tesla. Tesla audio and location tracking can be remotely monitored with two clicks of a mouse. Google hushes up bad news about Tesla. By driving a Tesla you are supporting spying.

Okay, maybe you can make an argument about Google being a surveillance company. Maybe. But there's no actual proof they're a "silent partner" in Tesla. Also, "two clicks of a mouse?" They can't get that down to one? What am I, made of time?

The NUMMI plant that Tesla got was rigged by Dianne Feinstein and Tesla investors. Feinstein's husband packaged the real estate for adjoining Tesla & Solyndra properties. Feinstein got campaign funds from them and her staff got jobs there and they all got related stock. Tesla builds cars for the 1% using state and federal taxpayer money from the 99%. Do you want to support elitism and kickbacks?

Again, no evidence. And while the cars are higher-end, sure, they start just under $70,000. That's probably accessible for the top 3%, at least.

Tesla's patent filings and now disclosed, internal documents say their batteries can kill and damage yet they went forward in order to profit off of Lithium Ion ore.

What documents? That memo Elon Musk sent to everybody reminding them that they were going to make cars with murder-bricks for power, so everyone should dress accordingly? Again, no technology is 100% safe, and, Tesla has had some issues. Like any carmaker has.

And, let's not forget, the NHTSA does consider the Model S a very safe car.

In multiple recorded interviews. Elon Musk is on prblic record stating that, at the time of application for the DOE loan Tesla was on the verge of bankruptcy. The DOE loan was mandated under a Federal law known as Section 136. This law stated that no car company could receive money if it was on the verge of bankruptcy. Past accountants of Tesla have stated that Tesla was on the verge of bankruptcy at the time of the loan application.

Numerous Tesla staff and contractors have verified this. Did Tesla commit a felony and acquire 'unfair advantage' per the GAO'?

Tesla certainly did have a rocky start financially, but there's no evidence of actual felonious activity. Still, there are those who feel the loans were a bad idea, so we can say this one at least may have some merit, depending on who you ask.

Relative to the nurrber of cars sold, why has Tesla had so many Tesla drunk driver related crashes, deaths and Why are Tesla drivers killing innocent pedestrians simply because the Tesla's 'smell bad'.? Psychographic, demographic and marketing studies have been published showing that Tesla drivers have a higher-than average inclination towards drugs, strange sexual behavior and risk. Could this account for the number of Tesla crashes and deaths? Read the detailed evidence in the many lawsuits filed.

This is my favorite one of all. First, I don't think there are large numbers of people killed in Teslas — in fact, there may be no deaths for Tesla occupants at all.

And the "smell bad" thing? That seems to refer to the incident where a driver fell asleep at the wheel of their Tesla and struck and killed a cyclist. Then the driver decided to blame it all on "new car smell." Even in the unlikely event that the car's smell would have somehow put the man to sleep, he couldn't open a window when he noticed something smelled weird? The whole thing, well, stinks.

Flyer Accuses Tesla Owners Of War, 'Strange Sex,' 'Anal Itching'

And the drugs/strange sex/"risk" part: I'm pretty sure you can find freaky free-love drug-enjoyers owning pretty much every make of high-end car on the market today. What's the point of getting a status-enhancing car if not to score more drugs and sex?

Why is the only company to receive California State real estate exclusives, exclusive tax waivers, credts and stock enhancers and free rides on taxpayer backs also the same company who's investors were the largest funders of certain State officials?

The head of the NHTSA (Strickland) Tesla investigation quit because of increased scrutiny. The facts. such as these, demonstrate that Tesla and Fisker never should have passed any NHTSA safety review. How can the public be assured that ongoing NHTSA investigations regardng Tesla will not be rigged?

There's no actual evidence of NHTSA safety tests being rigged. And why drag poor, dead Fisker into this?

Tesla buys magazine articles, 'reviews' & TV shows for which it pays PR writers to write only good things about Tesla.

Really? Where's my fucking check? Also, we've written plenty of non-flattering things about Tesla.

Over 150 defects and problems per model about the Tesla have been documented on user-forums and in the press including: 'Doors lock you in and out Bad if car on fire!'; 'George Clooney Rips Tesla: Why Am I Always Stuck On The Side Of The F'cklng Road?'; 'Tesla 'Satisfaction' survey authored by it's own investors/fanboys; 'Tesla seat vibration causes Anal ltching!'; 'VAMPIRE POWER DEFECT slams entire Tesla Model S fleet"; 'Numerous defects documented by owners online.'

Sure, there's fanboys on forums, like any car. And, sure, Clooney probably did get stuck somewhere, but that's got more to do with the undeveloped charging infrastructure for electric cars than specifically Teslas.

But the 'Anal itching' caused by seat vibration? That's absolutely worth investigating. America's anuses must be kept itch-less.

When the NUMMI factory was in use by GM and Toyota only 5 defects per model car produced there occurred. Even after you bought brand new robots, why did the Tesla cars get worse in a pre-configured factory with billions of dollars of past car preparation and then only sell 1% ofthe sane number of cars that any other car company sold with the same expenditure?

Whoever wrote this has a very innocent, child-like view of car factories. It's not just buying "brand new robots" — building a Tesla is an incredibly different proposition than building Camrys or Geo Prizms or whatever else they used to build there. It's a new model, using largely new technology. I'm not even sure if Tesla's defect rate actually is worse (no figures given) but even so it would make sense.

And selling less cars? Tesla's not anywhere near the size of GM or Toyota. Of course they sell less cars.

Tesla's investors spend billions of dollars hiding the truth & manipulating Congress. Tesla, Google, their investors & politicians will lie & say anything to smoke-screen these issues for the sake of profit at consumer/taxpayer expense. Check the facts yourself: [bunch of website URLs, none to specific articles]

Why is it that repeated use of ampersands in place of the conjunction "and" makes almost any text seem crazier?

If you have at Tesla: Give the car back! Demand a refund! If your friend has a Tesla: give them this flyer.

Yeah, good luck with that.

(Original scan from Ryan Block's Twitter)