The alarmingly-named Tesla Crash website has a logo with a wrecked car (not a Tesla) and blood-red, splattery typography. You'd think it'd be a warning site about how Teslas have a secret "Murder Mode." It's really just a bunch of Connecticut car dealers afraid of not getting to make more money.
And, worst of all, they're using one of our articles to try and convince people of the horror of buying a car from something other than an independent dealer franchise. The use of our article — and a number of others on the site — suggests that buying from a Tesla-owned car retailer will cause you to smash up your fancy new electro-car. Because without the calming, guiding influence of a car salesman, you'll go batshit and the death-car will control your mind and make you destroy everything you love.
Because, of course, something like that could never, ever happen under the watchful, paternal eye of an independently franchised car dealer. Ever.
Of course, Tesla Crash isn't really saying that buying a car from a Tesla corporate-owned store will end up in pain and destruction — only their name, logo, and choices of linked articles suggest that, but who's counting? No, they're really just trying to protect you, the innocent, sweet, and occasionally scantily-clad consumer from the brutal and predatory practices of company-owned car retail outlets, which are far, far worse than the brutal and predatory practices of independent dealers.
Their arguments against company-run retail outlets are no different than others we've heard before — in fact, they're using the same basic animation we broke down last year.
There's no real new arguments made here, and the only thing even notable about this frightened plea for revenue from the Connecticut Automotive Retailer Association is the cheap and inane use of crashes and accidents in their identity and content in the hopes of, I guess, scaring away some very inattentive consumers.
Here's the statement they put on the front page of the site, under the rotating pictures of smashed Teslas:
We want the public to know that local Connecticut dealers are ready and willing to sell Tesla immediately. We currently offer many electric vehicles through our dealerships and we are strong supporters of growing that market. We additionally have worked with the State of Connecticut to expand electric charging stations and promote incentives.
We don't understand why Elon Musk wants to introduce legislation that would circumvent the auto laws and rules that we all follow, particularly since this past week Musk said at the Automotive News World Congress he is open to working with franchise dealers.
When it comes to recalls, warranties, and securing the lemon law, dealers have been advocates for consumers for many years when problems arise or car companies fail. The GM ignition switch recall or the collapse of SAAB are two recent examples where dealers advocated for consumers.
We hope that Tesla will reconsider legislation, if the company is truly serious in working with us. We welcome a conversation with Tesla on how we can work together.
Statement on Tesla from Jim Fleming, President of the Connecticut Automotive Retailers Association
See, Elon? Stop being such a fucking monster. Connecticut dealers are "ready and willing to sell Tesla immediately." There would be no waiting! Immediate sales! If you're so determined to spill human blood, Elon, why can't you just buy some convicts and hunt them on a private island like classy billionaires do? Why must you attempt to destroy the people of Connecticut with your company-sold cars?
This site is ridiculous. Whatever valid points they may have (and, really, there's not all that many) are completely ruined by the inane fear-mongering and hamfisted suggestions of accidents and physical and property damage.
Grow up, dipshits.
Hat tip to Chris