After decades of futility, it's finally paying off to be a University of Missouri football fan. Great offense, great coach, and a Tigers team that's no longer the doormat of states whose main exports are grains, dust and depression. As evidence, here's my interior monologue for the end of last night's Insight Bowl, where another Hyde made an unfortunate difference:
Finally, back in the game. Iowa can't defend the pass worth a damn. Nice night for Blaine...
Of course, Mizzou can barely defend the rush for the same...
Is there any less-attractive crowd than a football stadium full of deep Midwestern collegiate fans? My god those people must consume 7,000 calories a day...
WHOO, on top! Ball in hand, put this one away, boys..wait, no, NO! No, no, no, dammit dammit DAMMIT.
I asked my Ford Escort the other night:
"You cool down here?"
"That's right. It's f——n cold down here."
"That's not what I meant."
"I know you didn't, but still..."
"Well, I'm sorry. We just don't have the money to keep you in a garage."
"And you could wash me and clean my interior more often."
"Right. I'm sorry."
"...and you could fix that dent on me..."
"You know, my previous owner kept me right. Had the heated garage, all the treatment, nice rides... but it was so predictable, so boring. All those walls all the time. I thought I gonna be insane... With you I had good and bad experiences, too, but I think that's just life... an I wanna live that life, you know..."
"Ummm... I dind't want to bring this up 'cause I didn't want to make you uncomfortable, but hell... Are you willing to ride with me all the way to England in srping? It's gonna be our 24 hours. It's gonna be our 1000 miles... What do you say?"
"...can I get some Gulf Oil treatment?"
"No, you are not a GT40.... how about some Martini Racing? You're an Escort, for heaven's sake."
"Right... You know what? Just cut to the chase and let's do it."
"Well, allright, some months ahead."
"Uh-uh. Through the Alps and past the Nurburgring and Spa-Francorchamps."
"Right. Through the Alps and past the racetracks. Sweet dreams."
"Yeah, sweet dreams... (it is cold down here...)"