I’ve spent the last three months shuffling between doctor visits instead of writing for Jalopnik because I crashed a Maverick X3 at my wedding and pulverized my left hand. But that’s a story for another time. For now, how about you help me get back on the road?

Evan is pushing 30, and his MazdaSpeed3 is just a little too loud and brash. He wants something fast with a bit of practicality, but it can’t scream “I have my traffic lawyer on speed dial.” At this stage of his life, he needs to look somewhat professional. What car should he buy?

Andy is a high school robotics coach, an amateur racer on the weekends and a new dad. His old Tacoma is not quite cutting it for kid and tow duty. He would also prefer something that is not a pickup truck. What car should he buy?

Pete spends most of the year on a boat, but when he is home he likes to drive fast and throw down some lap times. He is ready to swap his Corvette for something that can handle track days but doesn’t want the usual suspects. What car should he buy?

Dan will soon take possession of a 300-acre farm in Kentucky, as one does. It’s a great opportunity, but now he needs a vehicle to manage all that land. He is thinking of spending a modest budget on a “farm truck” that will be exclusively driven on the property. What car should he buy?

Jake just went through a divorce. He has a new job and a fresh start, so he’s looking for a new ride. Then he realized he never owned a car that he really felt a connection with. He is torn between a truck or something more performance-oriented. What car should he buy?

Michael has been working his ass off serving overseas and can now buy his dream car and enjoy some open-air motoring. He has a pretty healthy budget, but the catch is this ride must be able to fit two car seats comfortably. What car should he buy?

David is a traveling salesman with a long commute, but his company is going to foot the bill on his new ride. The catch is that he is very tall and needs something comfortable that won’t exceed is $35,000 price cap. What car should he buy?

Mitch (not pictured) is entering the Navy to become an officer and eventually a pilot. Naturally, he has a need for speed, but also wants something for outdoor adventures for around $25,000. What car should he buy?

Frank is a self-described millennial who has been borrowing his parents’ cars to get around. It’s time for him to get his own ride, but it needs to be affordable, reliable, and different. What car should he buy?

Thomas just moved from France to the Detroit suburbs. He needs to get a cheap car quick but it can’t just be any car, it needs to be an American car, a freedom car! Ideally, he is looking for a V8 but also needs somewhat decent gas mileage. What car should he buy?

Patrick loves cars but has never really needed one. He has gotten by just fine with using his bike. Now he has a new job and a longer commute through the DC traffic hellscape. If he wants to survive he is going to need four wheels and doors. What car should he buy?

Dean is trying to help a 79-year-old mother out. She’s a cool lady who was rocking a 1994 Nissan 300ZX until disaster struck. Dean wants to find her a cool car that still has style and speed, but is maybe a little easier to manage. What car should she buy?

Jeff has a current generation BMW M3, and as a new homeowner, it’s not super practical for him. He wants something that is more capable in bad weather. He likes luxury cars, what he doesn’t like is getting hosed in depreciation costs. What car should he buy?

Sam has a 2005 Mini Cooper S, which is a fine little car, but not quite practical for a growing family. He wants something sporty, fun, and practical and has a pretty healthy budget to accomplish this task. What car should he buy?

Kevin won a bet with his wife, and while the details of the wager are a mystery, the important part is that he is now going to spend some $200,000 to $300,000 on a seriously fast car. But he’s not sure which direction to go. What car should he buy?

Matt had one of the coolest Jalop cars ever made, a Cadillac CTS-V wagon. Sadly someone stole it and chopped it up for parts. So now Matt has a decision to make as to what to do next and he needs our help. What car should he buy?

While some college students don’t need a car on campus, Imani goes to a school that is pretty isolated, and she needs a car to help her get around and help her enjoy some other activities. What car should she buy?

Alex is the long-suffering Executive Managing Editor of the whole Gizmodo Media Group, which means he endures Jalopnik’s constant emotional abuse. As the saying goes, shit flows upwards, and everyone knows we’re full of it. He who has come to the inevitable conclusion that New York is trash if you actually want to…

Robert has a 14-year-old Volkswagen Passat with a lot of miles and not a lot of life left in it. His family refuses to ride in his car that probably should have been sent to the junkyard years ago, so it’s time for a replacement that’s safe but not lame. What car should he buy?