Commenter Of The Day: A Very Special Edition

Illustration for article titled Commenter Of The Day: A Very Special Edition

Like a drifter that wanders into town or a magical alien, POLAR arrived unannounced to the friendly confines of the Jalopnik commenting system in order to teach us all a little about the world of cars and, by doing so, a little about ourselves. We're not sure exactly what Polar does that allows him to write 6,000 brilliant comments a month, and maybe we don't want to know, but we found out in yesterday's Commenter Of The Day that he was retiring. Why? Something to do with a promotion that takes him away from the computer. We guess a star (or starred commenter) that burned so bright couldn't do so forever. In that spirit, we're going to countdown some of our favorite POLAR comments and let you choose a favorite.

1. The Plymouth Fury Big Butts Post
Though perhaps not the first, POLAR has been the the best at spinning lyrics into poignant commentaries, as he did with the Plymouth Fury III DOTS car:

Oh, my, god. Murilee, look at her butt. Its so big. *scoff* She looks like, one of those rap guys' gang cars. But, y'know, who understands those rap guys? *scoff* They only drive things like her, Because, she looks like a total bad ass, 'kay? I mean, her butt, is just so big. *scoff* I can't believe its just so long, its like, out there, I mean - gross. Look! She's just so ... BIG!

[SIR POL-A-LOT]:....

I like big Fury's
And i can not lie
you other brothers can't deny
That when a Fury drives in
It lacks such taste
and its looks are in your face
you get sprung,
want to pull out your tongue
'cause you notice the butt
was stuffed
Deep in the sheet metal she's wearing
I'm hooked and I can't
stop staring
Oh Fury, I want to get in ya
and take your picture
My Jalops tried to warn me
but with that butt you got
makes me wanna beep horny
Ooh, Rump-o'-smooth-bends
you say you want to get in my hands?
Well, use me, use me,
'Cause you ain't got average groupy
I've seen that suspension dancin'
The hell with romancin'
She's sweat, wet,
Don't need to be going like a turbo 'Vette
I'm tired of magazines
Sayin' small butts are the thing
Take the average Jalop man
ask him that.
She gotta pack much back
So, fellas! (yeah) Fellas!(yeah!)
your wagons and camino's got the butt?
(Hell Yeah!)
Tell 'em to shake it!
(shake it!)
Shake it!
(shake it!)
Shake those handy, fill-able butts!
Fury got back!

Fury got back!

I like 'em square, and big
and pack you up when I'm throwing gig
I just can't help myself, I'm actin' like an animal
Now here's my scandal
I wanna get you home
And ugh, double-up, ugh, ugh
I ain't talkin' bout Civics

'Cause silicone parts
are made for toys
I want 'em real thick and juicy
So find that juicy double
This Jalop's in trouble
Beggin' for a piece of that Fury
'cause I ain't in no hurry
Small trunk econos
Can't touch what she holds
You can have them minivans
I'll keep my cars like Flo Jo
A word to the thick DOTS,
I wanna get with ya
I won't let other cars hit ya
But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna
Cruise Till the break of dawn
Baby got it goin' on
A lot of Jalops may not like this song
'Cause them punks like to
hit it and quit it
And I'd rather stay and play
'Cause the Fury's long, and I'm strong
And I'm down to get the friction on
So, ladies! {Yeah!}
Ladies! {Yeah}
If you wanna role in my Fury {Yeah!}
Then turn around! Stick it out!
'cause this white boy's got to shout
Fury got back!

Fury got back!

2. The One Where He Talks About Wes' Ass
We've shown you POLAR at his lengthiest, now we show you him at his most succinct and sort of creepy, responding to news of Wes being taken down on a bike:

I hope you didn't bruise that fine ass of yours Wes, I have such fond memories of it...


3. Polar As A Religion
While POLAR isn't religious in his posts, there's a weird undercurrent of mysticism, Wahhabism and Judeo-Christianity. Sort of like every other Leonard Cohen song. This comes from a post about 14 Romanians in an Opel and it gets, well, spiritual:

Hmm... 14, coincidence, I think not

The 14 Stations themselves are usually a series of 14** pictures or sculptures depicting the following scenes:

POLAЯ is condemned to no more COTDs
POLAЯ receives the dissing
POLAЯ falls the first time
POLAЯ meets His Mother
Simon of Cyrene carries the cross
Veronica wipes POLAЯZ face with her veil
POLAЯ falls the second time
POLAЯ meets the women of the Geneva Auto Show
POLAЯ falls the third time
POLAЯ is stripped of His Restecp
COTDfixion: POLAЯ is nailed with having his styles bit
POLAЯ dies on Jalopnik
POLAЯ is removed from Jalopnik
POLAЯ is laid in the tomb and covered in some good bud and rollies.

**Some people consider a 15th station, The Resurrection of POLAЯ as
C Я 人 P Ѕ T 人 Ї Й.


4. He Can Do Normal Jokes, Too
And just in case you think that his bread and butter is merely being strange and lyrical, we'd like to point out he can do straight up celeb humor, like when we told you about Hulk Hogan's divorce and he chimed in with this gem:

The Hulkster's days of the three demandments are over brother!

She'll get the benchpress, the vitamins, and the bible.

All we're saying is, we hope POLAR retires in the same fashion that The Rolling Stones stop touring (i.e., you better be fucking coming back)


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Rob Emslie

Well, I always liked POLAЯ at his most verbose, so it's big butts for me.

BTW, with POLAЯ semi-retired, the rest of us are going to have to step up and fill in the void left by our esteemed jalop-mate. Bring teh funny, bring teh song riffs, but don't forget to bring teh love. 'Cause without teh love, what's the point?

Peace brothers.