Why Vampire Weekend's Saab Fire Was So Painful To Watch

Patrick was rightfully distraught when he found out the classic Saab 900s burned in Vampire Weekend’s agonizing video were not junkers or rusted-out, water-filled masses of old Swedish iron. Why not kill all of us who scour eBay, AutoTrader and Craigslist for old 900s, huh?

But seriously, there’s something criminal about taking two perfectly salvageable cars that aren’t nearly as common on the roads as they once were and not telling the owners they’d be “burnt like a pile of leaves” in the most boring video ever. That’s like telling someone you’ll give their dog a good home and then strapping it to the roof of your car.

Diane Young is alright, but it's not one of my favorite songs from Vampire Weekend, a band I rather liked up until this week and would sometimes sing their songs on a friend’s porch if I had a few. It’ll probably sound fine at the end of an episode of Girls. Actually, I preferred the other single, Step.

It's an average song, so I can understand why they weren’t particularly creative when dreaming up 2 minutes and 44 seconds of a Saab horror video. Have you ever stared for 3 minutes at something that was burning? You have? You were high!

I am a Saab-aholic and I am not afraid to admit I have a sickness. Even though I broke down and got a Golf GTI as a daily driver, I’ve kept my GM-era 900 Turbo in the hopes of fixing it up a little. It still looks like crap and one of the windows is now busted, but I remember I love it every time I get into the interior that smells like crayons.

Saabophiles definitely have some sort of Stockholm Syndrome. In fact, when I got back in the VW I spent a good 5 seconds groping around near the handbrake wondering why I couldn’t find the ignition. Germans: always putting things where it doesn’t make sense, am I right?

Many disagree, but Saabs are special. You're just wrong if you think otherwise. The 900 was significant because, once you came around to the Swedish way of thinking, it just made so much damn sense. Yes, a hatch is the way to go! Orange needles on the dials? Hell yeah! Turbo? Duh. This car is an icon, there's no other word for it. It is not a disposable item.

Watching the hatch burn hurt the most. It appears it was purchased so it could appear for a flickering 10 seconds at the end as an afterthought. But its previous owner blessed it with alloy wheels in place of the original steels, as well as smoked side indicator lenses instead of the original yellow ones. Such love.

It hurts even more that it’s very similar to the 900 3-door my mother shuttled me around in as a child, my formative Saab-loving years. I would’ve wanted this car. Hell, I want ALL the classic 900s. Right now.

Maybe I’m overthinking this. Maybe it’s a way to immortalize Saab and the classic 900. I mean, the torched 'vert looks kinda nice after a while (must be the three-spokes). Besides, while I’d have rather seen an Infiniti G20 go up in flames, Infiniti has too many syllables. So does Acura, Land Rover, Lexus, Pontiac... I could go on. Songwriting is harder than it looks.

Plus, it just proves how iconic Saab is and that it's worthy of memory. This is the classic Saab, the classic 900. After a while, this all starts to seem like a great idea. But for two to die? Like this? This was no Viking funeral. This must be avenged.

Alright, I’m getting on a Viggen and summoning all the trolls in Trollhattan because we’re kicking some Vampire Weekend ass! Start the turbos (note the lag, of course) and we’re going Ezra Koenig hunting! You know who gives a fuck about an Oxford Comma? I give a fuck about an Oxford Comma!

Someone’s clearly going to need to sedate me.

You know what the real irony of all of this is? Every time I get into the VW and plug in my iPod, the first song that comes on (alphabetically) is A-Punk, by… Vampire Weekend. Asshats.