European microcars: they’re like cars! Sort of! Well, technically they’re “quadricycles,” and not cars at all. And because they’re extra small and extra cheap, they don’t have to adhere to normal car safety standards. That doesn’t mean regulators can’t have a hell of a time completely destroying them, however.

The vehicles tested all had the most splendid names in the world, such as Aixam Crossover GTR, Bajaj Qute, Chatenet CH30 and the Microcar M.GO Family.

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EuroNCAP, a European regulatory body, says that “there are still fundamental problems with this segment.” You don’t say, EuroNCAP. At least, I can’t tell, definitely not by the crash test dummies that may or may not have severed limbs and/or heads and/or glass shards in their faces.

Alright, so you can make an argument that cheap wheels promote lifestyles with better overall quality than no wheels at all. And you could also make the argument that perhaps no lifestyle at all would be the result of getting behind the wheel of these deathtraps.

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But just look at the Bajaj Qute!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(I do not know how to pronounce “Bajaj Qute,” but I do know it looks like a shrunken van made entirely out of plastic from the 1980s.)