Some movie franchises die harder than a Toyota Hilux, and as Vin Diesel announces the dates for the next three (!!!) Fast and Furious sequels to carry the franchise into the 2020s, it’s time for us to do our part by writing better scripts while they prepare their muscles lifting all those heavy NOS bottles.

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The F&F series stopped being about cars a long time ago, but that would be okay as long as they came up with something better than two hour long rap videos. And while the latest episode did feature some cool cars, it still managed to kill more brain cells than what Roman Pearce has to work with on a daily basis.

The writers need our help because like it or not, Dominic Toretto’s family is here to stay.

As you can tell from the Fast 8 poster above, the ‘saga’ continues in New York City next year, so the story should be as follows:

Fast 8

  • Shaw’s angry Scottish cousin is chasing Dom through Manhattan driving a garbage truck.
  • Toretto’s Dodge Charger (#brands) runs out of gas in a traffic jam at the worst moment, forcing him to call an Uber. Pissed-off taxi drivers hired by Shaw’s Scottish cousin attack them on the move, but while the bullet kills his driver, Dom’s team hacks the Prius’ electric system remotely from the top of a nearby skyscraper, unleashing ludicrous mode. Dom drives the car like a manic from the passenger seat, using only his smartphone and his faith.
  • Shaw’s angry Scottish cousin finds a shortcut using Waze, only to T-bone Dom’s Prius with his garbage truck on the Washington Bridge. While Dom falls into the river, the Rock destroys both Shaw’s truck and the rest of the George Washington Bridge using everything his Apache helicopter can give.
  • Dom gets rescued by Letty and her Lotus Esprit submarine, and the couple sails to Newfoundland.
  • Roman Pearce misses the whole thing, being preoccupied at a club.

Fast 9

  • Dom’s hair grows out just a moment before going blonde, effectively turning him into a Super Saiyan. He can’t fly though, which means he’ll still have to build another Charger with sufficient power levels.
  • Shaw replaces his DNA with the first space monkey’s before coming up with the ultimate Honda Civic using stolen technology from the Japanese space program.
  • Due to the unbelievable amounts of testosterone at stake, the Rock convinces them to settle this elsewhere, using NASA’s know-how to jet both cars into the Moon. Up on impact, the Rock’s shoulder accidentally splits the Moon in half, making a drag race effectively impossible.
  • Using his Omega Speedmaster (#brands) the Rock now times how fast they can get back to Earth, but thanks to the Charger’s superior titanium body panels, Shaw’s Civic explodes somewhere above Vancouver.
  • Letty and the rest of the gang practice their rally driving skills in Hawaii, barely missing Dom between two Coronas (#brands.)

Fast 10

  • The whole world has gone electric, but that doesn’t stop Dom from chopping up another classic Charger.
  • Since Shaw is back as hot female cyborg who runs on Mountain Dew (#brands), Dom’s crew sees no other option than stealing some SpaceX rockets and tricking Shaw’s shapeshifting Tesla (#brands) into a drag race towards the sun.
  • Once at speed, Dom sacrifices himself by forcing Shaw into a collision course with the sun, destroying both the evil spirit, the sun itself, and all life in the universe.
  • To lay low until this works itself out, Dom’s crew relocates to Cuba.

If you have better ideas, feel free to send them to Universal. Chris Morgan could use all the help he can get.

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Photo credit: Vin Diesel via Instagram


Contact the author at mate@jalopnik.com.