It’s easy to think that the field of parking lot-inspired dickshittery is stagnating. What real innovations have you seen lately? Well, I’m happy to say that impressive work is still being done, as evidenced by this remarkable triumph of awful parking and juvenile vandalism, perpetrated by a self-absorbed jackass. It’s almost magical.

The tale was related in a Bimmerforms post, and while we’ve sort of been steering clear of inter-forum battles, this one was just too perversely compelling to ignore. Let’s just start at the beginning, with the original poster, Don Corns, first post:

Hey guys, looking for a little legal advice today. I’m located in Canada so keep that in mind if the laws regarding this are different here. So here begins the story. I got my car fully restored last summer and now park my car in two spots(width wise) in public parkings lot where possible to prevent all the dings that had accumulated on the car before from people recklessly opening their doors and bashing them into mine. Since I began doing this I kind of assumed there would be someone who would feel the need to tell me what a asshole I am.

Okay, this guy isn’t a fan of the paragraph break, but I’ll pause here to just clarify/translate some things. Like here, where you can just read this as “I park like an dipshit, and am even aware that this is seen by others as shitty.” Yes, a “public parkings lot” can be a cruel place, sweet, sweet numbnuts.

Up until yesterday I never had a issue, not even a disgruntled look. But yesterday I came out of the gym in the evening to an empty parking lot, the same as how it looked when I parked, except my car was eclipsed by a piece of crap truck parked inches from my car. I was pretty unimpressed to say the least, it was obvious this was done on purpose.

You weren’t even a little impressed?

Fortunately there was a phone number on the truck for some business purpose so I called it and asked if this was their truck. They said it was and that his brother was driving it so I requested he call him and tell him to come move it and to smarten up with a few extra choice words in between. He said he would call him right away. I waited 5-10 minutes and nobody came.

I think most people, even ones who park like this regularly, would shrug this off as the price of doing business as a very noticeable dickhead parker. But not our man here, who is raising the bar of dickshittery to levels only previously theorized in academic papers. Read on:

So I climbed in the passenger side and pulled out very carefully. Then I popped the trunk, grabbed my baseball bat

Wait. Buddy, just wait a second. You’re not going to —

and proceeded to send this guys passenger side mirror to the moon. Then I got in my car and left. Although I regretted not doing more at the time I felt this was fair.

Oh, you fucker. And you regretted not doing more? More than taking a bat to a car that just parked next to you, after you parked like a total meatus-Frenching — okay. Calm down, Jayjay.

A few hours later the police come calling. Apparently the guy had taken down my licence plate when he parked because he likely assumed I would do something. The cops wanted to talk to me about what happened and I told them exactly what occurred and that I would meet with them in a few days to show them the picture. I couldn’t really get a read on what the cop was thinking regarding this matter but I can say he sounded very interested when I told him I had a photo of how the guy parked and said that he “really needed to see it”. What I’m curious about is what sort of legal ramifications am I looking at. Any info would be helpful. Thanks.

“Couldn’t really get a read on what the cop was thinking?” No shit. Many people sort of shut down emotionally when presented with previously unimagined levels of self-blind dickery.

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It’s worth mentioning here that Don’s E38 7-Series was in no way harmed by the truck. It seems that the driver of the work truck saw the arrogant parking job of the 1998 BMW 740i, and, with intent to razz, embarrass, intimidate, or some similar emotion, parked right next to him, in pretty much the same manner as the BMW. Here’s a picture the OP snapped:

Don Corns maintains, incredibly, that he was somehow the victim here, a victim of “bullying” by the truck driver, for parking right next to him. His one even mildly compelling argument is that the parking lot was pretty much empty, and he wasn’t hurting anyone by taking up two spots, so the truck was really the one who started things by parking by him.

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Okay, maybe that’s true, to a degree, but that leaves out so very much. Most importantly, the truck caused no damage to the car, and was really parking no worse than the BMW owner did. And, sure, if there’s plenty of spots, taking up two to protect your car isn’t necessarily harming anyone, provided the parking lot stays empty.

Besides, if the goal is to avoid dings and other minor parking damage, why not just take a solitary spot far away from everyone else? You could have as much open-space protection as you want, without parking like somehow the understood universal rules of a parking lot somehow don’t apply to you.

And also, let’s not forget — this arrogant gonad had a little geek-rage hissy fit and went to town on a man’s car with a goddamn baseball bat — and then said “I’m not a “mr hard guy” and I’m non violent.” It’s astounding.

Then he says

So what I did was childish but what this guy did was ok? He started it man. Just cuz he didn’t touch my car doesn’t mean he didn’t cross the line. Yeah I broke off his mirror but I felt my message was the same level as his.

Parking close and smashing off a mirror are on “the same level?” This is like the Sistine Chapel of self-delusion. Also, is there any better way to refute charges of being childish than “he started it?”

There’s lines in parking lots because there’s some basic rules to parking lots: take up only as many spots as the scale of your vehicle actually requires, if you’re not handicapped, don’t take a handicapped spot, and, generally, remember is a communally shared space. Taking up multiple spots for no good reason other than you feel your car somehow deserves it more than anyone else is against these fundamental rules, and, yeah, makes you look like a dick.

Sure, whoever was driving the truck was being willfully provocative, but if you look at the picture, you can see that it’s not like the truck was taking up any extra spaces — the truck was just taking one spot, plus part of the spot that the BMW had already greedily annexed.

Plus, reading statements where he’s astounded that he may have to “Put up with this jerk trying to teach me lesson” and then somehow not equating the actual physical vandalism to the truck as the same thing or worse are so terrible, it’s almost satisfying.

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For what it’s worth, and to their infinite credit, pretty much every other commenter in the forum thread is against this guy, and you can almost feel the cringing of the proud BMW owners having to deal with something that so stereotypically harms their collective reputation. The asshole in the BMW parking like a dick is a cliché, and to see that cliché proved true in such a rich, luxuriously douchey way must be gutting for them. I feel for you guys. I really do.

There’s just so much wrong here, it’s intoxicating. The arrogance, the lack of so many self-related things: awareness, irony, control; the way he’s almost pathologically unable to admit any real wrongdoing in response after response. It almost seems too good. But, the OP seems like a real member, with a history of similarly tone-deaf posts. So, I’m afraid this one may really be true.

Who is this guy? It’s easy to picture a tightly-wound freak emerging from the gym, seeing the truck, and dropping his gym bag while a stain of rage-urine re-darkens on the front of his pants, but the truth is I just don’t know. And I’m curious to hear your opinions — is there any justifiable context for what this guy did?

I mean, fundamentally, you don’t mess with a man’s ride.

(Thanks, Brian)


Contact the author at jason@jalopnik.com.