TSA Offers Grope-Free Airport Security Screening For Just $85

The TSA, America's tireless army of blue-shirted warriors tasked with protecting us from sexy women, disabled children, airline pilots and Rand Paul, are about to offer a sweet deal if getting groped isn't your bag.

Wired reports that starting this fall, every traveler will be eligible for the TSA's PreCheck expedited screening program, which allows "trusted travelers" at participating airports to skip the line, keep their shoes and coats, and leave their laptops and liquids in their bags.

Previously, this program was only open to frequent fliers of certain airlines, Global Entry members and other people deemed special enough to not get their junk touched. Now, for $85, anyone can sign up for this. It lasts for five years once you do.

There are a few caveats. You have to fill out an online application, submit to a background check, get your fingerprints taken, and verify your identity. You also can't have a criminal record, issues with customs in any country, or have done something stupid like carry a weapon onto a plane. Also, you can still be subject to random checks.

$85 to avoid the draconian nightmare of modern airport security for five years? Count on me signing up. It may make my side gig as a gentleman art thief a bit harder for a while, but I'm adaptable.

Anyone else getting on board with this?

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