Occasionally, in life, we have to do things we don’t want to do. Clean the oven, organize the coat closet, do our taxes or attend a funeral—these are things that nobody truly wants to do but we do them anyway. For me, it’s time to buy the servants a boat. I hate that this is a thing I have to do.

The help at my house in Maldives have been chattering to me nonstop for a boat. They claim they need one because the 10 miles between the house and the market is too great and they need a boat to get there and back.

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Originally, I told them just to learn how to swim and be done with it. Apparently, swimming lessons weren’t good enough! They got “tired” and bullshit like that.

I then gave them a rowboat but apparently, that wasn’t enough, either. They want one with a motor, for fuck’s sake. When you give a mouse a cookie...

So now I’m here, looking at cheap boats. No way am I letting them take out the Lexus yacht and I’m not buying something big because I’m still saving up for the Chiron yacht.

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This Toyota hybrid boat, the PONAM-28V, caught my eye. When I called, Toyota said that none were available because they’re on loan to the Tokyo Metropolitan Government and for tours during the 2020 Tokyo Olympics, but that’s no big deal. Those guys owe me a couple of favors anyways—a long story and not one for right now, but I can tell you that it involves a parachute and a 600-pound tuna.

Anyway, hybrid is the way to go, I say. The PONAM has a combined power output of 256 horsepower, which is low enough that I’ll be able to catch them if they ever make a run for it.

And just look at it! It’s quite roomy and has plenty of space for all 18 of them to stretch out and relax.

Haha. I’m just kidding. They don’t get breaks. Time is money, bitch.