This is The Morning Shift, our one-stop daily roundup of all the auto news that's actually important — all in one place every weekday morning. Or, you could spend all day waiting for other sites to parse it out to you one story at a time. Isn't your time more important?
1st Gear: Cars.com Gets Sold For Good
You can shove your Oculus Rift up your own ass so you can see, in 3D, what the inside of your ass looks like. While more ink will certainly be shed on Facebook (and other tech companies) spending obscene amounts of money on start-ups, few people are going to excited about Cars.com.
So why is it worth more than Instagram or Oculus Rift?
Cars.com makes a lot of actual, real money right now and is in a market that's probably growing. There have also been other unsuccessful attempts ot knock sites like it off their throne.
The company will be bought by Gannett, who already owns 27% of the company, for the amount of money ($1.8 billion) that will set the value at about $2.5 billion. That money will go to the other companies that co-owned Cars.com: McClatchy, AH Belo, Tribune Media, and Graham Holdings.
Just when you think that giant newspaper publishers have no idea how to make money in the web era, a few of the biggest and oldest just cashed out. Of course, maybe they cashed out too soon...
2nd Gear: The Legacy Of The GM Recalls Will Be A Tougher NHTSA
If automakers had any thought to complaining about the current state of things re: NHTSA riding their ass, they should take solace in the fact that they've probably got it good right now with relatively bi-partisan support to make it a criminal case (as it should be) if you withhold information about safety defects from people.
"With millions of Americans behind the wheel every day, and more than 33,000 killed on our roads each year, we've got to do more to keep our cars and the roads we drive them on safe," McCaskill said in a statement announcing the Motor Vehicle and Highway Safety Enhancement Act. "Painful recent examples at Toyota and GM have shown us we also must make it easier to hold accountable those who jeopardize consumers' safety."
Not killing your customers is the new cost of doing business, I guess.
3rd Gear: Justice Dept. Looking Into Subprime Auto Loans
The Justice Department is, oh, poking around for GM Financial's records into subprime loans as what is being reported as a "broader investigation."
So far no wrongdoing has been alleged, but at least part of the growth in the auto market has clearly been fueled by easy money and, having learned the mistakes of the past, it seems regulators are making sure it isn't too easy.
4th Gear: BMW Hits Record Profits
Tough day for BMW as strong demand for SUVs and a big performance in China led to the biggest net profit ($2.37 billion) in like three years, which is up like 26%.
Oh wait, did I say tough day? I meant "OMG MONEY MONEY MONEY."
5th Gear: Mercedes May Not Be Quite As Profitable In China...
Mercedes says they're going to work with China's anti-monopoly police to make sure they're not, you know, charging the shit out of people. That's strange since it's the de facto model for luxury automakers.
A little-known Shanghai publication known as Jie Mian reported nine officials from the NDRC's anti-trust investigation team sprung a surprise visit at Mercedes-Benz's Shanghai office on Monday morning. The publication said the team interviewed many senior executives and confiscated computers as part of an investigation blitz into Mercedes-Benz.
Over the weekend before, Mercedes-Benz said it would lower prices on more than 10,000 spare parts by an average of 15 percent. The cut followed a sweeping reduction of prices for repair and maintenance services Mercedes-Benz announced last month.
I can't even...
Reverse: And There Was Never Congestion Again...
The world's first electric traffic signal is put into place on the corner of Euclid Avenue and East 105th Street in Cleveland, Ohio, on this day in 1914.
Neutral: Is Cars.com Worth $2.5 Billion?
Will it even have half the hype of Instagram? Also, I will sell carbuying.jalopnik.com to anyone who wants it for $1.25 billion, which is a steal if you think about it.
Photo Credit: AP Images