These Chevettes Of Madness Are The Craigslistiest Craigslist Ad EverS

We all have stereotypes about Craigslist car ads — the bizarre cars, the typing and grammar that looks like it had to be done by a bear wearing oven mitts, the thinly-veiled threats of molestation or abduction — but we keep coming back. And we're glad we do, especially when we find ads like this one, for some Chevettes.

Of course, calling these "some Chevettes" is like calling Ed Gein and Jeffry Dahmer "some guys." It doesn't even come close to doing them justice. Before we scrutinize the pictures here, let's just look at the copy of the ad:


81 chevette diesel 5spd good shape the chevette diesels are believed to possibly be the cheapest operated vehichle ever produced,some hybrids aren't that cheap and their expensive to buy and veeerrrrry expencive to work on, the 1.8 Isuzu diesels are called bulett proof. I have three of these cars and an extra engine,and 5spd trans, come and get one don't call and offer 1200,only@828-6-7-4,,,9-6-3-8

I've seen CL ads with confused punctuation, but I don't think I've ever seen anyone mangle standard phone number notation so profoundly. Maybe he's trying to keep the number from being processed out by the CL bots? Even though they don't do that in the car ads?

These Chevettes Of Madness Are The Craigslistiest Craigslist Ad EverS

I'd be inclined to give the benefit of the doubt, except the headline shows a similar gleeful disregard for punctuation convention:

1981,50,to,62mpg,diesel!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay. That's all still pretty normal stuff for Craigslist, especially if you imagine that a handjob could seal this deal. But when you see the cars themselves, then the depth of the aching beauty of it all becomes clear. And keep in mind that these cars, while quite miserly on fuel, were the slowest version of one of the already most lethargic cars you could buy. Zero to 60 times were measured on scales normally used for soil erosion, and highway speeds were long-term goals owners could plan for, like a retirement account.

These Chevettes Of Madness Are The Craigslistiest Craigslist Ad EverS

Two cars are shown in the ad: a green Chevette diesel converted into a fantastic pickup truck/mobile greenhouse, and a red one with what I imagine is the "luxury" kit, which includes a 'Continental' tire kit.

That Continental tire kit is especially notable in that it could only house, at best, half a temporary spare. Or maybe a large pizza, folded in half. That half-wheel is flanked by a pair of upright exhaust pipes that protrude through the rear bumper and channel the thick, dark, rich early-'80s diesel exhaust closer to human face level. Based on the subtle blackening of the tips, it appears that these are completely functional.

These Chevettes Of Madness Are The Craigslistiest Craigslist Ad EverS

Up front, the red one sports a Cadillac hood ornament, massive hood scoop, modified grille from maybe a LeBaron? I'm not sure, but it's not quite wide enough, so there's some well-placed blanking panels to either side. Wrapping up the whole package is a stripe kit that seems to be a "Dale Earnhart" Signature Series/Chevy Logo pattern something.

Also: does it actually say "Honor Cruiser" on the rear? "Power Cruiser?" I can't tell, and neither makes sense.

Even better, though is the Chevette pickup thing. Like the red Continental Luxo-vette, the green trucklet-thing sports a grille from some other car slapped on the front and a huge, likely non-functional hood scoop. But aft of the B-pillar, things get really exciting. There's a pretty well-crafted truck-like bed, with some cruder rear fender flares that could have been cut from an oil drum.

These Chevettes Of Madness Are The Craigslistiest Craigslist Ad EverS

The rear lighting is especially clever, with one segment of the stock Chevette taillights cut down to fit the tailgate, and a front bumper with integrated indicators placed on the rear to make everything nice and legal. Another nice lighting detail is that there appears to be amber marker lights installed inside the passenger compartment. To really set that "road work at night" sort of sexy mood.

Inside the truck-bed like assembly, the rear seat still sits, and the whole thing is covered by a plexiglass enclosure, sort of like what you'd expect to see on a greenhouse. It makes the car a bit like a really crappy Popemobile, perfect for really crappy Popes everywhere.

The picture of the rear also reveals decals that read "Chevy Thunder" on the tailgate, and what appears to be a toddler desperately fleeing the frame of the photo.

There's a third, un-pictured Chevette mentioned for the asked $2450, and it must be truly incredible if it can't even be photographed. Based on these, just looking at it is likely like gazing directly into the face of God, and the only path after that is pure insanity.

Seriously, if anyone's in the Hickory, NC area, these are absolutely worth checking out. If you're looking for a car to make an impression on someone, I can't imagine anything better than that green greenhouse-backed Chevette. Pull up in that thing, and immediately everyone will know you're no one to be ignored.

Ever.

(Thanks, Michael!)