Top Gear’s tame racing driver, only known by “The Stig,” has been haunting the motoring show since it first aired back in 2002. Being essentially a racing suit that follows people around and has a supernatural connection to cars, The Stig is actually kind of terrifying. Some say...

This week I prompted all of you to share the spookiest, scariest “Some say..” stories you could think of, and here’s a collection of all the ones scary enough to make you wet your racing suit.

From thisusernameforsale:

Some say that if he removes his helmet on camera, a portal will open up to a strange land where black is white, up is down and 911’s undergo bold changes with each iteration.

That’s not a world I want to live in. User Wobbles the Mind offers a much more terrifying reality:

Some say he is the embodiment of the electrical gremlins that plague British cars.

Some say the reason superchargers whine is because they can’t get away from him.

Some say the new car smell disappears as he gets closer to finding out where you live.

Some say he is ALWAYS the driver behind you on dark country roads.

Also, don’t say ‘Halloween’ backwards if you don’t want bad things to happen to you, says ThatGuyWhoBuysUnreliableCrap:

Some say he is the reason there is no October 32nd, and that if you pronounce Halloween backwards, you will hear his mating call.

User boxrocket explains everything:

Some say... He’s really the Great Pumpkin, and that he’s the one that gets Charlie Brown’s kites stuck in the tree.

Some say... He once bit a man who beat him in a horse-drawn carriage race, and the man turned into the first werewolf.

Some say he went skydiving without a parachute, and the impact when he hit the ground wiped out the dinosaurs.

All we know is, he’s called the Stig.

And then there’s this from JawzX2, Boost Addict.:

some say he is the third-generation clone of the product of a semi-failed Nazi scheme to genetically cross Bernd Rosemeyer and Erwin Rommel for the glory of the Father Land, but all we know is he’s called The Stig...

Another conspiracy theory, or NIGHTMARE?

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Points for the correct use of ‘Yobbos,’ Saracen, Manual Douche Elitist:

Some say that he is an empty husk, and is possessed by the ghost of his black-nomex-suited predecessor...

...and that like his ancestor from two hundred years ago he is in fact headless, and prowls England at night on his steed, throwing his helmet at yobbos.

All we know is...he’s called the Stig.

Bub Rub asks, Anti-Freeze or Anti-Fear?

Some say, his sweat is a perfect chemical match to anti-freeze which makes him incapable of feeling the emotion we call fear.

NOT CHRIS HARRIS, autojourNO:

Some say he ate Chris Harris... and wears his skin as a trophy

The doctoR53 knows where all the nasty candy corn goes..

Some say he goes trick or treating dressed as lady gaga

And that he is the only living thing, who enjoys candy corn.

All we know is he’s call the stig

Have mercy, AndrosZ:

Some say that if you say his name in a mirror three times, he will lap you.

IT’S ALL A COVER UP (JoeBryant):

Or rather, according to SAABateur:

Some say: he is all the more human aspects of Bernie Ecclestone, surgically removed and hermetically sealed into a racing suit with the mouldering corpse of Jimmy Hoffa...

That’s just.. gross. But maybe not as gross as Hypocrisy.thy.name.is.Rocky has to offer:

Some say he invented road head.........while driving alone

The Headless Hammond, REO Jackwagon?

Some say the Stig never shows his face because he was in a fiery crash during a race where he lost his head, years ago. Now he roams the racetracks at night, in search of his lost head. And the best lap time.

WHAT DID HE DO TO THE GOAT, PikaZoned?!

Some say he has a tattoo of his face...on his face. And that he got a super injunction to prevent Top Gear from revealing that he ************ with an enormous goat.

Spridget: Hatchback Fanatic has a plot twist:

Some say he lives in the farthest,deepest reaches of the Misty Mountains, clutching his one and only very, very, precious possession, waiting for unsuspecting orcs to fall into his trap. Some say that he can turn invisible at will, and that he has the power to rule all who live in Middle Earth. All we know is . . he’s Stigol.

Mom.. what are you reading? PikaZoned:

Some say he has a Facebook account that he updates only while driving and that he writes scary romance novels under the pen name The Stiggen.

This one from Saab wagon is best wagon isn’t actually that surprising. The BBC is scary, too:

Some say that if you come within 2 feet of him outside of BBC Studios, you disappear and the BBC wipes you from existence.

Somebody save James May! WhiskeySnob:

Some say he is powered by the souls of Ferrari’s; causing engine fires to keep himself alive.

Others say there is a demonic inverse relationship between his driving and James May’s; the faster one drives; the slower the other is forced to.
All we know...is he’s called THE STIG!

This is probably the scariest thing imaginable, AndrosZ:

Some say that on Halloween night he dresses up as Jeremy Clarkson.

And finally, I leave you with the truth, from Rollo75:

Some say that he can smell electricity and that he names all his potted plants Steve.

On the bleak morning of the 14th of October 1066, an unnamed soldier in the army of King Harold, after taking an arrow to the knee, was about to have his head sliced off by a Norman axe-man when in desperation he prayed to the skies and was visited by an angel. Thinking that the angel was the Norman axe-man, he punched the angel in the face and the angel fell down dead, but in the process he accidentally became immortal.

Over the next few hundred years, he assumed many titles including Robin of Loxley, Dick Turpin, Captain Macheath, Dennis Moore, Ned Kelly, Cartouche, Arsène Lupin, Flambeau, Jim Moriarty, Sixteen String Jack, Billy the Kid and Al Roker. His most famous modus operandii was to rob from the rich and give to himself.

One day in 1839, the hardest person in England, Martin Skrtel was sent to capture and or kill this outlaw; who by this stage was already being called The Satan or in Scots Gàidhlig, “The Stig”

The Stig and Martin Skrtel encountered each other on a lonesome British path just south of the north eastern city of Newcastle. It is said that they shook hands, or so it appeared, in actuality, their combined power caused an earthquake, which gave their hands a look of shaking to any onlookers, who were probably too scared to accurately testify anyway. Before the inevitable battle could begin, the earthquake created Scotland.

Martin Skrtel having failed in his task, headed west and tried to blend into society but The Stig who was still mourning the loss of the one who had accidentally bestowed upon him the curse of immortality, erected a shrine which became known as The Angel Of The North.

He now pilots machines, cars, trains, rockets, aeroplanes, anything: in the hope that he can out run immortality. This ploy has not as yet been successful, despite driving into the seas, driving cars into walls as a crash test dummy, being on board both the Space Shuttles Challenger and Columbia, flight MH-17, Pan Am Flight 103, and sipping latte in both Hiroshima and Nagasaki at ground zero when the devices were dropped.

All we know is that he’s called The Stig.

Happy Halloween, everybody!

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TOP SHOT CREDIT: Urambo Tauro


Contact the author at justin@jalopnik.com.