Long before everyone had machines on their desks, laps, and in their pockets capable of providing them with pornography from a global pornography-distribution network, people had to distribute hardcore pornography on celluloid film, like animals. The earliest example seems to be a 1915 movie that revolves around a car.

That’s right, a car. Even in the infancy of both automobiles and filmed pornography, it was clear that both new innovations had much to offer one another, and so the earliest (and possibly first?) known ‘stag movie’ was born: A Free Ride.

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The plot of A Free Ride (also known as A Grass Sandwich) is, like all porn movie plots, rich, complex, and nuanced. A man, driving down some rustic road, spies two women walking. He offers them a ride, there’s a stop to urinate that sparks wanton desire in all parties, and boning ensues.

Here’s a clip of the beginning of the movie, before the action happens, so you can watch it without fear of seeing three almost certainly now-dead people going at it:

If your jam is to see almost certainly now-dead people going at it, you can watch the full thing here.

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There’s a lot to note in this bit of archaic smut, not the least of which are the goofy, innuendo-heavy fake names used in the credits:

There’s also this remarkably creepy line the guy uses while ogling and grabbing one of the women’s breasts:

“What a beautiful dairy?” That line is creepy and grating today, and frankly I can’t imagine it worked back then either.

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But enough about failed WWI-era pickup lines: let’s talk about the car: it’s a 1912 Haynes 50-60 Model Y Touring Car, an Indiana-based automobile company active in the first big American boom of automobile manufacturers, and was in business from 1905-1924.

The Haynes shown in the movie is interesting because it’s right-hand drive, which would make it one of the RHD holdouts after Ford standardized on left-hand drive for the Model T in 1908, which pushed almost every other manufacturer to go LHD by the ‘teens.

That Model Y would have cost $3000 back in 1912, which comes to about $73,000 in today’s dollars, starting off pornography’s longstanding affection for premium cars.

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Elwood Haynes, the man who founded the Haynes Automobile Company, was raised a strict Presbyterian, president of the YMCA from 1919-1921, and was a huge supporter of Prohibition. While there’s no record of whether or not he was aware one of the cars that bore his name was used as the catalyst for a film about a vigorous three-way in the woods, it seems a safe bet that he would not have been pleased.

In fact, I bet there would have been some dramatic harrumphing.

The movie’s alternate title, A Grass Sandwich, is interesting because of the use of the word ‘grass,’ which later, in a different but related context, will be part of the well-known triumvirate that also includes ass and cash with regard to ride payment.

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Anyway, I just thought it was important for you to be aware of the first car used in a porno movie. Now stop watching those people who are old enough to be your great-grandparents bone. It’s weird.