Graphic by Jason Torchinsky, 1958 Firebird III by General Motors

The future is coming, and fast. Some estimates suggests that the future is approaching us at an astounding rate of 3600 seconds per hour. That means we’d better get ready for the car of the future, because it’s on its way. Luckily, we now know the fifteen things people want the least from the cars they’ve yet to buy.

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These fifteen criteria were the result of a global survey of potential automotive buyers between the ages of 24-75, conducted by the market research firm of Fallashous, Fabrikate, and Faick, who were hired by a consortium of leading automakers.

The most desired features are fairly well covered, and include autonomy, greater economy, and a lot of high-tech conveniences. These aren’t those. Each of these requests got less than five votes each.

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So, here you go. The things nobody seems to want in their next car:

1. Exterior odor enhancement and magnification systems

This system takes outside air, evaluates the dominant stench, and amplifies it through the HVAC system.

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2. Floormat traction control

Eliminates issues with floormat friction loss and slippage with small electric motors driving rubberized tracks.

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3. In-dash Craigslist ‘missed connections’ widget with audible alarm when new post appears

The alarm uses the horn, at full volume.

4. VR interior glovebox view projected onto windshield

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Never have to look in the glovebox again!

5. Novelty GPS system that swaps in maps of Westeros or Middle Earth or other fictional worlds

Just good fun! Makes life more fantastical!

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6. Armrest elbow-soaking tub

Hot water from the heater core is routed into the armrest-tub, which is bath-bomb compatible, and lacks any sort of cover.

7. Automated dog-arousal pheremone system when dog is detected in car

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Makes any dog sexually aroused within minutes of entering the car! No button to push or manual activation; sensors detect dog pheromones in the ambient air.

8. Spain-departure warning system

System emits a piercing shriek whenever the vehicle is no longer within the borders of Spain.

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9. Driveway under-car drip-spot camera and logging system

Any potential engine leaks can be determined with this system, which photographs and logs, by date, the patch of ground under the car.

10. Holographic screens on the window to make it look like Garrison Kellior is riding with you

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A revolutionary flat-film holography system fits seamlessly onto the passenger’s side window and displays a life-like, 3D rendering of radio personality Garrison Kellior. No other likenesses are available.

Also, due to rights reasons, the hologram of Garrison Keelior appears to be uncontrollably weeping.

11. Dynamic seat-moistening system

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A huge time-saver. Four levels of seat dampness available.

12. Autonomous parking-spot finding system that just slowly follows people to their cars, over and over again without ever actually parking

You just go inside wherever and let the car do this. It’ll be fine.

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13. Autonomous driving system that accurately emulates how a human drives when there’s a bee in the car

Self-explanatory. New algorithms can emulate human driving behavior when in a car with one bee or up to a swarm of 128 bees.

14. Safety interlock that connects to your phone via Bluetooth, so when you text while driving the car automatically lays on the horn and starts flashing its lights and swerving

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Think of the lives that could be saved.

15. Dual 360°/360°F Camera System

Finally, a camera system that both covers the full viewing circle around the car and gets hot enough to caramelize sugar.