Every time we pass a CrossFit gym, my friend Desi says, "Man, I've got tires, pallets and all kinds of stuff to carry around and hammer on in my yard. I could totally open one of these." Having picked up another 944 to (inevitably) injure myself with, I know exactly the kind of heavy lifting to get paying customers to do. I call it... Project Car CrossFit.
First off, there's moving the car. It doesn't really move. I mean, we temporarily reattached the subframe and slapped some tires on it to get it out of the shed where it sat neglected for many years, but there's no engine or any other means of powering it. I'm not about to cut any Fred Flinstone holes in that pristine, un-rusted floorpan, either.
Nope, I need you to tow it. I'll attach a chain to the tow point up in front to make things easier, but from then on, it's a feat of pure strength and will. Form a small team of your peers and have at it. Make sure to have at least one person on tire duty, though. Because there really isn't a steering rack, the front wheels like to turn as you're pulling it. Sometimes you'll have to jerk the wheels back into place. That'll be no big deal for you fitness types, but my puny bird arms couldn't handle it. Read: it'll make ya tough.
Because there are now two 944s in various states of disrepair, there are myriad pieces that need to be taken out or swapped. Lucky for you, I have an upstairs apartment, which means that running up and down my stairs with parts will give you the total-body workout you need. Work your gluts, thighs and your upper body as you jog up and down the stairs with various metallic bits that I'm too much of a wuss to carry. Feel the burn that you can only get from a box full of brake rotors.
Please remember to be careful, though. Those'll break your foot if you're not careful, and here at Project Car CrossFit, your safety is our utmost concern.
Many CrossFit gyms utilize a large tire as part of their workout routine. I believe that we have improved on this formula with quantity over size. Here at Project Car CrossFit, we run 15s on Porsche's cookie cutter rims, although there were a few phone dials and a couple random Boxster wheels in the mix as well that pulled some muscl– err, provided an excellent work-out for my lower back.
These wheels need to be moved on a regular basis between cars, in and out of trailers, stacked around the garage and sometimes even into the yard to cover up a control box that they don't want to mow over at the track. We're not just using the tire, but the whole wheel as well. Because of their small size, you can carry one or many depending on your level of fitness. Work your way up to carrying an entire set of four at once somehow and well, you'll pretty much be my new best friend.
Let us not forget the good CrossFit tradition of hammering on things for health and wellness, either. As my new 944 has been sitting for goodness knows how long in a dusty garage, there are quite a few parts that need some persuasion via blunt force to open, operate or simply move. I'll give you a mallet. Don't damage any breakable parts.
Because we are located in scenic Austin, Texas, it feels like it's about 4,000 degrees outside this time of year, so it's basically a giant outdoor sauna on the cheap. It was so humid last weekend, I think I lost ten pounds just bringing the car home. I feel buff just thinkin' about that, bro.
So, what are you waiting for? Shut up and give me your money!