Look, we all know vans are sexy as hell, but that doesn’t mean you can’t comport yourself with some dignity, right? Someone should maybe remind this suspect from Dayton, Ohio that you can’t just bone every hot van you see, even if they are all painted red and seem like they’d be totally down for it.

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Local NBC4 reports the alleged van-fucker, Michael Henderson, was seen about 8 p.m. on Tuesday pulling down his pants and swinging on a stop sign. I believe in the vanophile community, this is a known way of signaling to nearby vans that you’re DTF.

Police found the reportedly intoxicated (perhaps with van-lust) Henderson, wearing only black gym shorts and shoes, and took him into custody. They spoke with the woman who called the police, who reported that she saw Henderson standing near a red van.

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She then stated that she saw Henderson drop his pants and “place his genitals in the front grille” of the van. Ah, yes, a grillejob. The old radiator-rub. The woman reported that this went on for a bit, and then he appeared to pass out in a nearby yard.

I think the real crime here is Henderson’s callous behavior to the van. He gets his rocks off in the van’s grille, and then he just goes and passes out in a yard? Doesn’t anyone cuddle their vans anymore? Did he even ask what the van wanted? This isn’t all about you, you know. Vans have needs, too.

Selfish bastard.

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Henderson is currently in the Montgomery County jail, charged with public indecency. He should also be charged with being an inconsiderate van-lover, but I’m not exactly sure if that’s a crime in Ohio. Yet.