On Saturday afternoon, Florida Highway Patrol got reports of a Cadillac driving recklessly down a road known as Alligator Alley. When a FHP trooper pulled the car over, according to the Naples Daily News, what he found was raw, unadulterated, nuclear-grade pure Floridium: a white-hot ball of the very soul of Florida, manifested as four drunk naked people in a speeding Cadillac.
Every detail about this story just makes it better and better. The car, which the trooper estimated was going 110 mph (the radar said 109 mph — mighty fine speed-estimating, officer!) was driven by what the trooper thought was a shirtless man.
That man’s name was Noe Dejesus, and just like real de Jesus, he’s 33. Just take a moment and make all the “he’s no Jesus” jokes to get them out of your system, because there’s more.
Dejesus wasn’t just shirtless, he was also everyclothing-less, as were the three women in the car with him. Also, according to the Naples Daily News:
Dejesus smelled of alcohol, slurred his speech and had bloodshot eyes, reports said. When he stepped out of the vehicle to put his pants on, he stumbled and nearly fell. Inside the car the trooper found several empty or nearly empty beer bottles and a nearly empty bottle of Crown Royal whiskey.
Did I mention there was also a 12-pack of Corona between the front seats, according to police? I mean, I get it — high-speed naked group driving is a thirsty business.
Oh, and he was also reportedly driving without a license. Because, at this point, fuck it, why not?
Yes, drunk driving is awful and he’s lucky he didn’t kill anyone, either the clothed population outside the car or the inter-Caddy naked peoples. But, on some level, you have to be simultaneously repulsed and admire this uncut, pure, raw expression of Floridian notgiveafuckery. It’s like seeing something so perfect to its environment, that you have to salute it, for the fundamental, deep truth this thing holds.
We’re in the presence of that thing right here. We’re seeing Florida, unskinned, revealed, as a glowing, speeding Cadillac, populated by deeply drunken naked people, careening straight to a glorious, glittery hell.
Contact the author at email@example.com.