Everyone in Chicago, please, stop what you’re doing right now. There’s an emergency, and we need everybody’s help. A man’s Tesla Model X has been shat upon, and we must help find this rampaging car-shitter, who is still at large. At least, that’s what this Craigslist ad tells us.

Advertisement

Now, there’s no way to know exactly if this Craigslist plea (which, sadly, has since been flagged for removal) for apprehending a car-shitter is true. I reached out to the original poster, but, perhaps frustrated that I wasn’t a penitent car-based defecator ready to confess my crimes, I’ve gotten no answer just yet.

True or not, this tale of a man, his brand-new Tesla Model X, and “two sizable logs and a smaller ball” is one of the most engaging Craigslist reads I’ve seen in quite a while. Let’s explore it, together!

Advertisement

I am writing this message to anyone that might have been in Lakeview Thursday night around 9pm.

Specifically I am looking for anyone who was by Stratford and Broadway, which was where my car was parked.

Obviously I have a large degree of humility when writing this because I am seeking people out here to see if anyone has any information about who may have taken a gigantic shit on the windshield of my brand new Tesla Model X.

We start out simply enough: the wheres, whens, and whats, with the “what” being a gigantic shit taken on the windshield of a still-quite-rare Tesla Model X.

This is not a joke.

True, it’s not, but it’s possible it’s a little funny, all the same.

Sponsored

I was on a date with a girl, one who was very conservative. It was our third date and when we walked out, sure enough we saw that someone had taken a very large shit on my windshield comprised of two sizable logs and smaller ball which rolled down to my wipers. Pee was not visible leading me to believe that *perhaps* someone had shit in a container at home and then threw it on my car later.

Oh boy, this gets so good so fast. I really like how he makes specific mention that the third-date girl was “very conservative,” as though girls who are seriously considering voting for Bernie Sanders would be totally cool with someone covering their car windshields with shit. Any other girl would be like “Oh my god! I love your car! Who does your window-shitting for you? It’s PERFECT!”

I’m also quite fond of the description of the poop as “two sizable logs and smaller ball which rolled down to my wipers,” since that gives a remarkably vivid description of the fecal situation on that windshield.

Advertisement

Advertisement

The little bit of amateur CSI going on as he notes the lack of urine is interesting, too, leading him to conclude it’s possible that the poop was generated off-site, and transported in some receptacle, presumably with the goal of being placed on a brand-new, high-tech electric SUV with novelty rear doors.

This also begs the question: can you poop with out peeing as well? I’m not sure I’ve ever really done that, a totally dry poop, now that I think about it. But maybe others have?

Let’s continue.

Advertisement

Now I know a lot of people might find this funny but my date was really traumatized by the whole thing and I have zero leads. What’s more, the CPD “absolutely refused” to help me, a tax paying citizen, clean the shit off of my car. But they obviously didn’t hesitate to tell me I could not drive with the poop on my windshield because it would obstruct my visibility. I had to use a redeye magazine and a bottle of water to clean it off and that sucked.

Of course your date was traumatized! She discovered she was going out with a man who has possibly human feces on his car. That’s a dealbreaker for many women, though many make exceptions if the car-poop wasn’t an intentional stylistic choice.

As far as the cops telling him that shit on his windshield would obstruct his ability to see to drive, I’m not really sure he needs to get pissed at the cops for that. They’re not wrong.

Advertisement

Advertisement

There’s no reason cops should have to touch those things, unless its to take a sample to anal ballistics so they can see if they could find an anal canal rifling pattern that they may be able to cross-reference in their massive database of asshole prints. (I’m sure they have those – this is the 21st century, people.)

I am looking for solid intelligence in regards to anyone who might have seen anything.

Oh boy. “Solid intelligence.”

Do not reply with a car type you think you saw or a suggestion. I am writing this to someone who saw something in particular or perhaps, someone who indeed knows the person who pulled this stupid joke on me. As for the latter, if you were willing to leak the name of the person who did this, I promise you that I would spare you of all legal charges and physical retaliation.

Wait, so, if you have some information, you can give it to him with out fear of “legal charges” and “physical retaliation.” That seems to imply that seeing someone shit on a car is somehow illegal, or, if not at least illegal, worthy of being punched. I don’t think that’s the case. In fact, I think it’s our right as Americans to watch people shit on cars, if desired.

Advertisement

However I will plan on ruling out you with DNA for I have kept a sample of the shit for I can see someone trying to pull another fast one on me. And trust me, that is not going to happen.

HE KEPT A SAMPLE.

He’s gonna run it through the Shit2DNA Sequence-O-Tron 2100, use the extracted DNA to form a viable genome, create a zygote, implant it in a human womb, have the surrogate give birth to the infant, raise it until it turns 18, and then punch it in the face and press charges for Grand Shit Auto.

Advertisement

Advertisement

And that part’s what makes me think this is all fiction. But still, it’s damned hilarious, even if it’s a lie.

Okay, here’s the best part:

You know what? That’s not really true. Generally, society frowns on kids taking shits on cars as well as adults. Nowadays, hardly anyone can get away with taking a dump on a car, regardless of age. Where the fuck were you raised, dude?

Advertisement

And although from time to time, I could see why someone deserves it, this was absolutely uncalled for.

Right here, this is where he cedes the moral high ground. As you know, Jalopnik policy and creed states that You Don’t Fuck With A Person’s Ride, no matter what. There is no deserving from time to time. What happened to this Tesla owner wasn’t right, and there really isn’t a case where someone “deserves” it. Not shit. Not ever.

And I think it says a lot about the people of Lakeview and those that work at The Rocks (the staff there laughed at me when I told them what happened). You are all pieces of shit for watching this happen and doing nothing, probably watching there as some jerk tossed a giant shit on my windshield ...

Okay, our stance on car-shitting notwithstanding, what the hell did he expect these random people to do? Scream NOOOOOOOOOOOO as they leapt out from the bar, bolted across the street, and blocked the flung turds with their own bodies, crashing to the ground, face contorted in pain and disgust, but with the uplifted soul of a person who knows they Did What’s Right? Is that what he would have done?

Advertisement

Advertisement

Then we get back to the crucial logistics:

... or perhaps you even saw it drop from his or her butthole as the pee was collected separately, which still makes sense so they wouldn’t slip on the pee after it was all said and done.

The urine again! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE URINE? I can imagine this poor bastard, up all night in front of a chalkboard covered in diagrams and lines and arrows, calculations for the coefficient of slip of rubber-soled shoes on urine-saturated paint, with one huge scrawled line superimposing everything: WON’T SOMEBODY PLEASE THINK OF THE URINE?

Listen closely. I am offering a significant compensation to anyone who has good solid intelligence that I will handle in my own way. I am not going to mention dollar amounts here but I work in the medical community and trust me when I say I think the amount I have in mind will not disappoint. After all, I do own a Tesla.

Remember, he’s rich! And, if you have the intel, you could be rich, too!

Advertisement

Lastly, a message to the person who did this: I will find you. Do you understand me? I have already had my lawyer draft up subpoenas to acquire footage from nearby security cameras amongst other things. Personally, I think you need medical attention to do what you have done. I am so greatly saddened this city has been over run by thugs and poor people who are having too many children.

I cannot be surprised that Donald Trump is doing so well when I see my car had someone shit or toss shit on it in clear view of the public. And maybe he should be doing well if he is better suited at taking on the maniacs who have been overrunning this once great city.

So much going on here. HE WILL FIND YOU. Subpoenas are being drawn, shit-DNA is being studied, you have nowhere to run.

Thugs and poor people with “too many children” are cited here, possibly for their compliance in allowing this National Nightmare to happen, and the Trump presidential campaign is referenced, but I can’t quite tell if it’s pro or con. Is Trump doing well because society has slipped so far that people shit on Teslas, or his he doing well because people are finally fed up with all the Tesla-shitting? It’s not really clear.

Advertisement

Advertisement

He sort of suggests the latter when he specualates that Trump may be “better suited at taking on the maniacs who have been overrunning this once great city.”

I’m sure when he campaigns in Chicago, that’ll be the fulcrum of his speech:to once and for all stop all the Tesla-shitting that’s tearing this town apart.

Good Intel on who did this = Good money

I’ll end on that.

Michael

And so we close. Michael’s said what he has to say here in this declaration of war on Tesla-shitters. I imagine this post was dictated into the wind, on rooftop, a hard rain beating against Michael’s chest as he vowed to avenge his Model X.

Advertisement

The rain on his face was a baptism, announcing the birth of a new Michael that will continue to date “very conservative” girls, will never be laughed at again, and will never, ever, allow his electric SUV to be shat upon by anyone, adult or child alike, for fear of the most swift and brutal retribution.

But WHAT OF THE URINE?


Contact the author at jason@jalopnik.com.