Sick of your dead-end job? Dream of going into space, flipping your old boss the bird as you ride a column of fire into the heavenslike the space hero you know you really are? Then get your ass in gear and apply to be an astronaut! Today’s the last day!

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I can’t do it myself for two reasons: first, my college degree is all wrong, and, second, I already have the best job ever, right? Right. So here’s what you need to get your well-earned $66-$144K per year:

1. Bachelor’s degree from an accredited institution in engineering, biological science, physical science, computer science, or mathematics.

2. At least 3 years of related, progressively responsible, professional experience obtained after degree completion OR at least 1,000 hours pilot-in-command time in jet aircraft. An advanced degree is desirable and may be substituted for experience as follows: master’s degree = 1 year of experience, doctoral degree = 3 years of experience. Teaching experience, including experience at the K - 12 levels, is considered to be qualifying experience for the Astronaut Candidate position, provided the initial degree is qualifying.

3. Ability to pass the NASA long-duration astronaut physical, which includes the following specific requirements:

Distant and near visual acuity must be correctable to 20/20, each eye. The use of glasses is acceptable.

Since all crewmembers will be expected to fly aboard a specific spacecraft vehicle and perform EVA activities (spacewalks), applicants must meet the anthropometric requirements for both the specific spacecraft vehicle and the EVA mobility unit (spacesuit). Applicants brought in for an interview will be evaluated to ensure they meet the anthropometric requirements.

Degrees in engineering technology are not considered to be qualifying for this position.

An advanced degree is desirable.

U.S. citizenship is required.

I know some of you can hit these. Plus, this is a great time to be an astronaut. There’s four (maybe five, if we count a paid seat in a Soyuz) different space vehicles you’d be likely to fly or ride in/on: The ISS, the SpaceX Dragon and Boeing’s CST-100 manned capsules, and the currently-being developed Orion, the first spacecraft designed for beyond-earth-orbit operations since Apollo. A real spaceship!

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There’s a rating panel to evaluate you, but don’t worry about that – you can ask me for a letter of recommendation that should knock their socks off.

Good luck, spacepeople!


Contact the author at jason@jalopnik.com.