We’ve all heard of Florida Man. He’s America’s worst superhero. Whether he’s getting caught with James Bond gadgets, crashing his truck into a house, beating people up with golf clubs, running over everyone during a street fight, claiming to be Satan, or whatever else even Stan Lee couldn’t dream up, Florida Man is always busy.
And this past week has been no different for our favorite worst, non-specific, state-identified superhero! Let’s look at what Florida Man has been up to lately:
Florida Man was caught smuggling 54 Xanax pills hidden up his ass into the Duval County Jail, according to Action News Jax.
Florida Man was charged for driving with a suspended license after running a stop sign on his lawn mower and hitting another car. He fled the scene, but returned on a bike, according to WSBTV.
Earlier in February, Florida Man jammed up an ATM with a bag of cocaine, which wasn’t discovered until a technician had to be called out to troubleshoot why the dang money machine wouldn’t take any money, according to The Smoking Gun. Perhaps he was attempting to deposit some street currency.
On Sunday, Feb 26, Florida Man was arrested for shining a laser into the cockpit of a flying police helicopter, according to the Palm Beach Post. The area Florida Man was apprehended in had recently seen a spike in laser-flashing of helicopters.
Florida Man has also been on a ‘crusade’ against illegally parked police cars for the last six months, according to the Miami News Times:
Since August, [he] has sent at least 125 complaints, with photographs and details of where and when he found the illegally parked vehicles, to departments around Miami-Dade County. He’s been berated by some officers, ignored by internal affairs investigators, and, more recently, validated by the independent Civilian Investigative Panel (CIP), which ruled that 15 Miami Police Department cops had broken regulations.
Does this make Florida Man an actual hero? Or just a bit of an ass—it is a courthouse and they are police cars, after all.
On Wednesday morning, March 1, Florida Man was arrested completely covered in mud after fleeing a fight in a Walmart parking lot with three others in a truck, according to WKMG. The truck crashed into a tree and the group tried to escape on foot. A muddy ditch, the arch nemesis of Florida Man, was his demise.
And finally, Florida Man was arrested on Tuesday for impersonating the drummer of Nickelback while attempting to purchase around $25,000 in musical equipment, according to TCPalm.com. He thought he could get away with it because he had a similar drum set. He reportedly has a history of fraud.
Unfortunately Florida Man doesn’t have the intent or intelligence to be ranked a super-villain, so he slips down the ranking scale to just somewhere around humorously incompetent hero. And we should all be grateful.