Oh, hello there. I just returned from the most wonderful trip up to the lake. Everyone was there. You should have come—but nooo you had to work so you can pay rent because you’re poor. I keep forgetting!

See that photo above there? That’s my dad in the white polo. The rest are photos of me and my boyfriend. We try to match as much as we can. We met at a dealer event for the launch of the brand new 1992 BMW 3 Series last month and it’s been electricity ever since.

That’s a photo of him there, on the bottom right. And there’s a photo of me above it. I woke up like that. *blushes*

Here’s my dad’s girlfriend, Charlene. I rarely see her outside of the salon. In fact, she almost didn’t come on the trip, but we promised her sheepskin seat covers if she came. I’m not sure she liked them too much, though—she was really pushing for puppyskin.

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See those pearls? They’re not pearls, they’re baby teeth. She’s great.

We threw these at the servants when they weren’t working hard enough.

That’s my sister. She was able to come because she just got kicked out of her fourth university, this time for hitting a cyclist with her car, which is bad. So she had the time. She mostly stayed locked away in her room, pushing these toy cars across the carpet and making vroom vroom noises with her mouth.

My dad took an afternoon by himself to go golfing. Charlene stayed home, lurking in the back by the dock. The dogs went missing that same day.

A photo of the contents of my purse. No, I quit the cigarette habit last year, thank you very much.

Another picture of my boyfriend and us. See how toned my calves are? That’s from all the social climbing I do. And here’s Daryl, my mom’s boyfriend. He likes wearing blue and my mom says his hair makes him look like a majestic lion.

My brother, Sabel Carnegie Smythe-Rothchild IX absolutely shredding the mountain. My parents keep trying to talk him into business school, but he seems happiest surrounded by mountains of white powder. I secretly hope that he’ll grow out of it. I know I did.

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On the bottom left is my cousin Henrik and his girlfriend who didn’t speak a word to anyone the entire time. He told us all he met her while spelunking in Cabo and that she’s a lingerie model paying her way through dental school, but I’m quite sure I saw him slipping her cash throughout the week. I didn’t know one could pay for dental school with cash!

Although, if I’m being honest, Henrik is kind of a strange guy. We’re the same age, but he seems way less grounded than I am. He loves orange spray-tan and twice I’ve caught him going through my sister’s underwear drawer.

Lannie is actually quite the car detailer. See, here she shined it up so well with her tears that I actually need to wear sunglasses whenever I get anywhere near it with the sun out. I always knew there was a good reason we kept her around!

And then we DANCED.

You truly missed out. I hope that one day you too can live the BMW lifestyle, as we do.

Additional vacation videos:

(Thanks and apologies to Autoweek)