Code 3! (Photo Credit: Ford)

The Michigan State Police has conducted its own torture tests on pretty much all the cars, SUVs and motorcycles American cops are driving today. Preliminary results are in– check them out and see if your car’s faster than your local law enforcer.

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Not that you’ll put any of this knowledge to practical use, of course. Jalopnik officially recommends you don’t bounce on the devil/put the pedal to the floor. But still, nothing wrong with wondering if a cop motor, cop tires, cop suspension, and cop shocks actually give cop cars appreciable performance gains.

(Photo Credit: GM)

MSP evaluated a Chevy Caprice (which is sold exclusively as a police car) with both 3.6 and 6.0-liter engines, a RWD and 4WD Chevy Tahoe, a RWD and AWD Dodge Charger with a 5.7-liter HEMI V8 and a RWD version with a 3.6-liter V6, the Ford Explorer with 3.7-liter and 3.5-liter turbo engines and the Ford Taurus with the same plus a 2.0-liter turbo option.

On fewer than four wheels, a BMW R1200 RT-P went up against a Harley-Davidson FLHP Road King, two variants of the FHTP Electra Glide, a Zero DSRP electric bike and a Can-Am Spyder F3P tricycle.

Last year the MSP used Fiat Chrysler Automobile’s Chelsea Proving Grounds for its acceleration and braking tests, and then ran laps at Grattan Raceway in Belding, Michigan for its “dynamics” test. As the 2016 report explains:

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“Each vehicle is driven a total of 32 timed laps, using four separate drivers, each driving an eight lap series. The final score for the vehicle is the combined average (from the four drivers) of the five fastest laps for each driver during the eight lap series.”

(Photo Credit: MSP)

Scroll back up to study the preliminary results sheets, or keep reading for the highlights: among cars the 3.5-liter EcoBoost Ford Taurus had the quickest 0-60 run at 5.7 seconds and tied the 5.7-liter Dodge Charger for top speed at 150 MPH.

The BMW was the fastest bike, pulling from 0-60 MPH in 4.31 seconds and hitting a top speed of 136 MPH, but the “Stage 3” Electra Glide wasn’t far behind on acceleration at 4.43 seconds to 60. Strangely the electric Zero wasn’t ranked for speed.

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The Dodge Charger had the best projected 60-0 stopping distance of 123.2 feet for cars, while the Can-Am three-wheeler won that deceleration test for bikes at 118.9 feet.

(Photo: FCA)

The MSP also put each vehicle through hot laps around its road course, averaging times between four drivers to get a ranking. The AWD 3.5-liter EcoBoost Ford sedan won that one with an overall average time of 01:35.34, and to give you some context the slowest vehicle was the same car with FWD and a 2.0-liter engine at 01:43.05. Even the big honking 4WD Tahoe beat it with a time of 01:40.60.

Can-Am Cop Trike. (Photo Credit: MSP)

The motorcycles were generally a little slower around the track, with the BMW hitting the quickest average time at 01:39.14 and the Can-Am being slowest at 01:57.73.

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All this and a lot more data is still being processed by the MSP, and we can likely expect a much more complete report on the performance of these 2017-model year cop cars soon. Meanwhile, those are the highlights. And if actually do find yourself trying to recall these numbers next time police lights fill your rear-view mirror, don’t forget you can’t outrun a radio no matter what you’re driving. (Also, just, don’t run from the cops please.)