You know, a lot of baby seat manufacturers talk a big game when it comes to safety. And sure, maybe they help out in a car wreck, but if you have an important baby — an influential baby — a car wreck is the least of your worries. Luckily, our pals at Dartz are here to help, with the only bulletproof baby seat around.

Dartz has been making hyper-luxury baby seats for a while, handcrafted out of unicorn hide and elfbone, but this is the first time they’ve actually armored the seats. Here, let’s just see what Dartz has to say about this:

One of DARTZ high profile customers requested not only World Most Expensive child seat - but also Most Protected and Advanced.

Of course as protected as car child seat can get - and in DARTZ style. Everything over the top. Back of the seat is made from Kevlar, which is over layered by carbon fibre with natural gold stitching. That became possible when DARTZ supplier Luxpel extended their product line with natural gold stitching and carbon with gold needles.

Seat is covered with ‘Kolonial Touch’ gold plated crocodile skin and highest quality ‘Luxpel’ nappa natural leather.

Last but not least, it’s iSeat - it’s connected. Your baby can keep growing with Apple product release speed, switching new and new iDevices to this magic seat. Massage, ventilation, positioning - nothing forgotten in this “adult” baby seat!

And, like we stated in our previous l’Enfante Terrible release: Dear parents, we encourage you not to save pennies on your precious child, when you splurge 500 thousand to a million on your own car.

Sincerely, DARTZ

Man, Dartz never disappoints, do they? “Kolonial Touch’ gold plated crocodile skin” — because letting your kid touch unplated crocodile skin has to be some sort of child abuse, right?

Of course it is.

I’m not exactly sure how the “iSeat” Apple-device integration stuff works, exactly, but from the pictures it looks like there’s a pocket with an audio connector for an iPhone or iPad, and I assume some sort of integrated speakers, because why not, there’s already a massager and ventilation system in there.

Leonard Yankelovich, Dartz’ RFE (Responsible for Everything, his chosen title), told me these seats came about because

One of DARTZ high profile customers requested not only World Most Expensive child seat - but also Most Protected and Advanced.

I don’t yet know exactly who that high-profile customer is, but I’m going to assume it’s R2-D2 and his wife, Natalie Portman, who have been trying to have a child for some time, and it’s no secret that the baby they create will have some very unpopular political convictions that would make it a ripe target for assassins.

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It’s also not clear if any of these baby seats have actually been tested for their ability to protect against gunfire, but I’m sure they’ll just use a small stack of canned hams rather than a real stray baby to test, so nobody should worry. Also, just think about what a baby seat like this could do — if Archduke Ferdinand was a baby in one of these seats, we may have been able to avoid World War I.

Pricing of the armored baby seat has not been revealed at press time, but I’m sure it’s totally affordable.


Contact the author at jason@jalopnik.com.