Jalopnik
With the cheapskates showing a slight preference for the free Musclecar Era Impala over the free Malaise Nova in yesterday's Choose Your Eternity poll, you might think that we don't have a place for Malaise in our Hell Garages. Far from it, we're coming right back with a pair of machines from the middle of the 1970s- and not just any machines! What we've found is a pair of prestigious cars that have been treated to some tasteful customizing touches, applied by the hands of artists who appreciate the spirit of the Malaise Era. Thanks (and a PCH Tipster T-shirt) to bzr for the tip!
How can you tell if you're looking at a really good car on eBay? Some folks think you should do boring stuff like look at the seller's feedback, or maybe pick a car with really good photographs, but we think it's best to judge a car by the number of punctuation marks in the description. Oh yes, and you want the entire thing to be in capital letters, because that shows a seller with a point to make. With that in mind, take a gander at this 1976 Corvette. It's allegedly a "Duntov," but no elaboration on that claim is given by the seller... and why elaborate, when he or she knows "IF I HAVE IT LONG ENOUGH ILL FINISH IT ???? THEN IT WOULD BE WORTH BIG $$$$$$$$ DOLLARS !!! It's got the side pipes, the C5 taillights, and the primer hood; you'll just need to add the Lambo doors and the TV antenna and you'll be ready for Malaise-style action. Well, almost ready; you probably shouldn't assume it's ready for driving right now (although the seller does claim it will "YARD DRIVE"), because it needs brakes, the fuel tank is a gas can, and... well, who knows?
When you're talking Malaise, Detroit cars really need to stand aside for the products of British Leyland; since some say the KGB had infiltrated the trade unions building Jaguars in the 70s, the claim could be made that the legendary British Leyland lack of reliability was actually a communist plot! So let those Brezhnev stooges know where you stand, by defying their fiendish plan and buying yourself a Malaise Jaguar and customizing it in a manner that tells that mean ol' KGB to take their gulag and shove it! We suggest this customized 1975 XJC as the starting point for your project. It's got the requisite Chevy 350 swap (complete with some unnamed type of 5-speed transmission and Holley double-pumper). It's got Centerlines with spinners. It's got what appears to be the front spoiler from a Japanese 17-year-old's Dekotora Debonair crudely riveted onto the front. It's got scoops on the sides and vents on the hood. What it doesn't have is an interior, but that's actually a good thing; imagine the mink-and-burgundy-pleather custom upholstery job you could put in this thing! Upgrade the engine to a 406 with all the goodies and you'll be snapping axles burning up the quarter-mile in style!
Comments
A '75 British anything? Hell, every time.
Just keep telling yourself the XJ-C will be worth something eventually.
Corvette looks like a good parts car..chassis donor for a Grand Sport replica, maybe? Why am I not surprised its from Ft Meyers? Does the yellow Aztek guy have anything to do with this?
That poor 'vette looks like it's crying.
CORVETTE SUMMER!!!
The XJ, because 350 or no, the Jag-ness will eventually burst forth to leave you stranded someplace cold and desolate.
@Rust-MyEnemy: ...and fall, and winter and spring, and then summer again...and it still won't be right.
I voted Jag. 350 + 5 spd is a great teaser, and the side scoops just seal the deal. For some reason I think it'd look better in Army Drab Flat Green with a big white star on the hood.
I honestly don't think that Mr Lyons would want to be associated with that Jag any more. And the Vette? Oh god. It's had a Jackie Stallone facelift.
Is this supposed to be hell for us or for the poor unfortunates who have to look at them from the outside?
Well, If I must, I'll take the XJC and try and anti-customise it into the supremely elegant Gentlemans' express it always should have been.
Actually, no I wouldn't, I'd stick an XJR lump in it and keep the Centrelines.
Also, extra points to the Jag for what appears to be some serious Crazy Person Hair:
[i2.ebayimg.com]
@Mad_Science: I'd still have a shit 'Vette until well into retirement
That Vette is one of the most horrible things I have ever seen, some one shoot it and put it out of its misery.
Jag...
My virtual front yard is starting to overflow. Time to cut down a tree for some stump jack-stands.
Simple.
British Leyland = Hell
Jag with a 350, five speed, and a vinyl top? Im in.
????????, !!!!!!!, ???????, !!!!!!!, ???????????????? Vette.
That Corvette is begging to be dragged to a crusher
The droopy C5 butt on the 'Vette makes the Jag an easy choice.
I think the same guy built both cars
The reference to [Arkus] Duntov is to the father of the Corvette, who must be spinning in his grave at the speed of that Chevy motor's ~1,800 rpm redline at being associated with this 'Vette. My vote is for the not-Vette -- the Jag.
@htrodblder:
Spot on.
There is no way any Corvette can be a worse project than anything British, ever.
Not even a question - the Jag.
However, the ricer treatment needs to be removed and set on fire as quickly as possible.
I like the engraving on the engine in the Corvette.
Argh! My eyes! It buuuurrrnnns!
@poxpopulus: Oh darn, missed your post. I just wanted to point out, since I have nothing better to do, that the corvette advertisement has 14 Dolla Signs, 19 question marks? and 88! exclamation points. Oh yeah and I voted Jag.
Holy Shit! Both of these are so hilariously awful, I not sure how anyone could choose. I guess if pushed I'll say Jag, because as so many before me have pointed out, the road to hell is paved with cars built by British Leyland.
Sidepipes will win it every time.
The Vette is horrible, and the Jag is just a sin. How can anyone modify cars to with these grotesque disfigurements is beyond me. The Corvette is rightly just a bunch of fiberglass parts now, and would make a great donor car for a real Corvette Project. However, the Jag will take at least a decade of solid work to bring back some of the beauty that was taken away by the plastic surgeon who botched the facelift. She needs to be repaired, coddled, and pampered back to her former nobility. Jag it is!
SOME BODY TAKE THE VET !!! AND PUT IT OUT OF ITS MISERY !!! PLEASE !!! AND DONATE !!! THE MOTOR TO ME !!! RUNS AND YARD DRIVES !!!
@Peteworld: The question is, which of Sir Lyons or Duntov is grave-spinning faster?
Tough call, I know.
I've always preferred that generation of Corvette even if someone did turn it into a monstrosity. Plus the Jag would probably have really crappy wiring.
^^^I most sincerely hope that coddling would include installing a proper V12, my good man? We'll have none of this Chevrolet nonsense in a British car you know...
Long ago when it was more like Jalopnik, Gizmodo had a reader write up an algorithm to calculate in insanity score of a given eBay listing. Had something to do with caps and exclamation points.
Here ya go:
[gizmodo.com]
Murilee, you reading this? You should definitely apply this to future PCH nominee listings
If you had a group of car friends, who might happen to have the vision of the naked ground mole, you might be able to pass the Jag off as a Bentley Conti. Might.
@13thfloorelevator: Then how do you explain that the Lister sportscars were quicker when the ol' Jag unit was removed and replaced with a Chevy unit? :P
Oh, and XJC FTW.
Back in the '80s, a friend's 30-ish mom took to dressing like Madonna. What was done to these cars is the exact same kind of wrongness. Only instead of Madonna, they're dressed like Eleanor.
Holy Crap!
There is a picture of that Vbette in the Webster's Dictionary of American Slang to illustrate the term "Cluster Fuck."
The Jaguar is the epitome of the term I hear from British friends as being an "Abortion" which is the friendly proper English way of saying "Bloody Mess."
Let's start the collection now to purchase both the cars, salvage what usable parts could be sold and put both of them out of their misery. Sometimes the scrapheap is the only solution.
All in favor say "AYE!"
I had to vote for the Jag. It looks salvageable -- except for that gawdawful dash -- and the seller at least realizes there's something wrong when he says "although" it's been customized, it's still a good platform. I'd actually have no problem repainting the Jag, removing the tacky customizations, putting in a proper dash and adding some tasteful wheels, and driving it with the redneck powerplant. Provided it doesn't have glasspack mufflers or something similarly obnoxious. For a few grand extra, you could again have a classy car. Just keep the hood closed.
The Corvette, though... I mean... those cars are ugly to begin with, and they made it worse! And they seem proud of it! I think the only way to save that car is to use it as a platform for a kit car.
I don't care which is harder to repair. I'm buying that XJC and I'm burning that abomination. Burning it right down to the frame and then tracking down the right bastard who tortured the poor cat and cursing him straight to hell.
He clearly has no soul and deserves no mercy.
My dad's XJC project is still unfinished after 23 years. I rest my case.
If they were malaise-era modifications (e.g. a real Greenwood kit), I'd vote for the Vette. But since the car has been modified in the last two years by a retarded person, I voted for the Jag sight unseen.
@Rust-MyEnemy: Right On, it's the first thought that came to my head.I must say this is the most challenging PCH to come up in a long time. Kudo's Murilee. I'll take both the 72 & 73
Cutlass's parked beside the XJC please.
I voted for the Jag. Here's the deal: You buy the Vette, no matter what kind of condition it is in, take some body pieces off, put it up on jackstands, take the wheels off and your friends will look at it and say, "Cool. A Vette." You'll be a hero. Every once and a while, take something else off it. Shuffle parts around the garage. Your friends will still say, "Cool. A Vette." But the Jag? Come on, folks, in order to get any kudos you'd actually have to DO something. Which means skill and BIG BUX, neither of which you have. You will have a padlock on the garage and you will threaten anyone who questions you about it. Your friends will stop visiting. Your wife, if she is still around, will leave. There is no question, the Jag would be true Project Car Hell.
Jag because British Hell has better beer and tea at 4.
With my head in my hands, I weep for the future of that '57 Chevy in the background of the Corvette pictures. If he's selling the 'Vette for money to customize the '57, then we have wagered all and lost.
The 'Vette 'cause it's already done! Drop a pair of yellow tinted shooting sunglasses on the dash and make for the Stuckey's!
who is duntov? why had he not been added to my list? you know which list.
there really is no upper bound on rice, is there?
@Mad_Science: I would need to add some lines of code to the algorithm that gave heavy points to any listing with the phrase "CHA-CHING," of course (see Primate Aztek).
@AllenK: Don't give the buyer of the Jag any ideas. I don't sidepipes would help it one bit.