Jalopnik
Hard-hitting journalist Stephen Colbert has uncovered a vile plot by hybrid owners; they're intentionally running over blind people in order to use them for fuel. This stunning revelation comes only a day after the National Federation for the Blind publicized concerns over hybrid vehicle safety. Through in-depth investigative reporting, the heroic Colbert discovered that blind people make an excellent source of fuel, one that could potentially reduce our dependency on foreign oil. In a stunning new development, the Associated Press has learned that inattentive people could also be at risk of being turned into a green fuel source by Big Environment. Linda Murphy, who has perfect vision when she wears her glasses, revealed to AP that she too has had close calls with hybrids, "I'm walking right in back of it and it's moving and I didn't realize it until it nearly touched me, I never realized how dependent I was on my ears until I almost got hit." Remember kids, look both ways or Al Gore'll get you.
Missing from last night's broadcast of the Colbert Report was the above graphic, which clearly demonstrates the threat.
Illustration: Sebastian Assaf for Jalopnik.com
Blind People Upset with Silent Hybrids [internal]
Comments
It's a bullshit myth. Just like motorcyclists who go on about "loud pipes save lives" = total BS
That's the best image of any kind I've ever seen.
Friday funnies!
I tremble in fear of the silent death that is the Toyota Prius. I have nightmares of the Birkenstocked murderers who prowl the parking lots of 'the nice part of town'.
Please return us to the safety that was the 'right sized' economy cars of the 70's. Fashionable eco-friendliness should not cost us the lives of our sight-challenged brothers.
Save Stevie Wonder! Don't buy a Prius!
I think Hybrids should have a fake sound effect that begins the minute the gas pedal is depressed. I could just see the late night ad now...
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Order now and you get a free TURBO BLOW OFF VALVE SOUND MACHINE for your "winter beater" Corolla! Just eight payments of 19.99!!!
@Bluegoose: For that kinda money, it better sound like Speed Buggy.
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Who knows how to Digg this page?
What's the
lol amazing image.
In an interesting twist, i grind up baby seals to fuel my Suburban, which i drive in 4wd on road and on dry days.
all the clatter? Backwater Hummers mash cripples (of the Iraqi variety) all the time. Good doogy chow is so hard to get in the Middle East.
If Al Gore doesn't get you, then his reckless kid certainly will. And that's the "inconvenient truth."
Heck, just clothespin a playing card between the fender and the tire - should generate enough noise.
Won't cost much either.
I think they should make either the Jetsons' bdbdbdbdbbdbdbbdbdbt sound or the Flintstones' tockitytockitytockity sound.
I think biodiesel is overhyped. the rainforests cut down to allow room for the palm plantations causes climate changes as serious if not more so than emissions. it is being pursed recklessly in SE Asia.
the push for palm oil biofuel is worrisome for some environmental groups which charge that new plantations will destroy rainforests and habitat for such threatened Indonesian wildlife as orangutans, Sumatran tigers and rhinoceroses -- and also infringe on land used for local livelihoods.
biodiesel is just not that green.
If you can't hear the engine, you'll certainly hear the depreciation
I think they should start including a pack of baseball cards so you can stick them in the spokes.
Maybe they can increase smug emissions by blaring the Hallelujah Chorus. Or Beethoven's Fifth Symphony. Or Kermit the Frog's "It's Not Easy Bein' Green." Hopefully this will induce the blind to attack the "vehicles of (non-denominational tolerant, pacifistic) God" with their canes.
@Rust-MyEnemy: If there's no depreciation in the forest (or anywhere else for that matter) does it make a sound? But seriously, what depreciation? If you've got an HOV sticker, you might as well just ask for sticker.
I vote for Stephen Colbert's induction into the Jalopnik Fantasy Garage. I also vote for Jalopnik to create a Jalopnik Fantasy Art Garage for the sole purpose of inducting that image into it.
Oh my god, blind people are assholes! Tell you what, I'll give a warning honk before I mow your squinty ass down.
Why not just install a whoopie cushion in each hybrid's drivers seat?
Use regenerative technology based on the stereotypical driver vibrating in self-righteousness for inflation/deflation.
What's next? Drunks claiming they're being run-down by ethanol burning Chevy's?
"It drew me in for the kill."
What I need to know, which is the right fuel for my hybrid, Soylent Bronze, Soylent Silver, or Soylent Gold?
I've always thought that Prii should have an external speaker under the hood to play various sounds/music while in electric mode.
I'm partial to The Preservation Hall Jazz Band, as heard in Woody Allen's movie "Sleeper," when folks rolled around in cars that looked then like Prii do now. (They were rolling around in them when they weren't rolling around in Orgasmatrons, BTW.)
@Bluegoose:
Make it sound like a 2 stroke 750 GP bike from the 80s with a little Ducati dry clutch rattle noise thrown in and I might just have to buy a Prius. Custom plate would read: PRIUPISM
Has no one mentioned whistle tips? It goes like "Woo Hoo I'm better than You!"
Butthead: "Hey Beavis, checit out, he said 'Pra-i-us!' What a dork!"
Beavis: "Yeah, he's a dork, Butthead! No way he's gonna score!"
Butthead: "Maybe we should grind his bunghole and kick him in the nuts!"
Beavis: "yeah, kill, kill, kill!!"
Butthead: " Uhh, shut up Beavis, before I kick your ass! Huh huh!"
@enoughropers: hey, don't worry about trying to be relevant.
@VanTwee: I like blind people way more than I like hybrid owners. For the protection of the vision impaired, we must outlaw these smarmy deathmobiles!
National Federation of the Blind.
And yes, Prii are quiet enough you can't tell when they start moving.
How soon before that Al Gore image is released as the album cover for a band's demo?
Still lovin that image!
I'm loving that image too. Good work.
I was actually surprised by a hybrid SUV a few weeks back. I was walking down the sidewalk and I didn't hear it until it got much closer to me than I would a regular car. That said, I still heard it. I would imagine that a blind person with their much more acute sense of hearing would have probably heard it way before I did.
@TPSreports: You don't ride much do ya? The difference between the noise of the 2 bikes I ride (cruiser and enduro) is the difference between people merging over and about killing me and knowing im there. Loud pipes DO save lives.
@TPSreports:
i'm going to have to agree with cornfield_racer...the windows are usually down in my car, and when there's a Harley within a half-mile, i'm craning my neck, trying to figure out which angle the Horseman of the Apocalypse is coming from.
loud pipes definitely make a difference.
my question for cornfield_racer....dude- how bad is your tinnitus?
Soylent Green is people!
Awesome visualization of the image :)
Before long we'll be downloading ring tones that our cars can play while we drive.
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