What is more luxurious than killing an animal and then processing its skin to use on furniture, bags, coats, shoes and car interiors? It’s a complete apex predator power move and it’s what makes them animals and us people.

Which is why I was very concerned for the well-being of my fellow humans today. At this point, I had always thought leather interiors were a basic human right. Everyone had them. And now there were some people—vegans—who thought they were better than leather. Is this what evolution has come to?

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This morning, I took a break from rearranging my Harry Winston collection and came across this story in Auto Express, where the Bentley director of design Stefan Sielaff was looking into vegan... interiors... for... Bentleys... ?

No, I’m not shitting you, these are words he actually said, look:

“You can’t sell an animal-containing product like a Bentley, with 20 leather hides, to someone with a vegan lifestyle,” Sielaff said. “We’ve been talking to these customers, in California especially, and they’re asking us what can we give them. We do a lot of custom-made and coach-built solutions, in conjunction with our colleagues at Mulliner, and therefore we want to satisfy these customers because they are the peak of a trend.

“We will shortly present a Bentley with a vegan interior; it’ll give you a luxury sensation but with a different way - protein leather, mushroom leather, jellyfish material.”

As soon as I finished reading that, I hurled my laptop into the pool in a fit of rage. A butler immediately brought me another.

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“Stupid... limp dick... fucking... California...” I snarled under my breath while booting up the new machine (my third this week!). “You’re already whining about the air, the water and the food and now you’re bitching about leather interiors?”

By the way, what the fuck is “mushroom leather”? That sounds disgusting and like something they’d grind up and put in my foot bath at the spa.

Nobody—and I mean nobody, enlightened eating habits or not—is above a leather interior.

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Tomorrow, I’m going to call the huntsman and have him create me a new interior, just to spite these people. Fuck the leather, I’ll have him make it out of raw flank steak. I’ll park it outside of the farmer’s market, or wherever the hell they shop, and just let it ooze. That’ll teach them.