Really, that headline pretty much tells the whole revolting and satisfyingly karmic story: an attempt was made to siphon gasoline from a tour bus parked in Laverton, West Australia, but it appears the thieves mistakenly accessed the bus’ sewage tank instead. Ewwww.

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Laverton police cite a discarded sewage tank cap, and a lack of stolen fuel as evidence of what happened. Of the number of stories that have cropped up about this attempted fuel theft, all make reference to a ‘gang’ or at least multiple offenders.

There’s so little information here, really. How do they know it was an attempt to siphon gas? Is all the evidence just a sewage tank cap lying on the ground?

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Here’s what the Yahoo Australia article said:

Sen. Sgt Soutar said the discarded cap and lack of fuel stolen suggested they had failed to get away with what they were hoping to steal.

“We can infer they beat a very hasty retreat, with a somewhat bitter taste in their mouth, ” he said.

Sen. Sgt Soutar said that while Laverton Police were looking for the offenders, police officers “have absolutely zero interest” in tracking down the stolen goods.

He did however say officers were hoping “word of mouth” would help crack the case.

To be honest, I’m not really sure if this actually happened at all, or if people found the discarded cap and imagined a scenario where, in the dead of night, a Mad Max-like gang of gas thieves came, tubes at the ready, to steal gas from the tour bus.

With darkness obscuring any visual identification of the tanks and caps, one particularly loathsome gas-thief plunges in his tube, laughs manically, and takes a long pull on the hose to get the fluids flowing.

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At this point, he gets a rich, lathery mouthful of liquified human waste, which he spits out in a geyser-like spit-take, shrieking in shame and disgust, as the now-pulsating tube vomits tepid human waste all over the gang.

Weeping openly, they run, befouled, into the outback, where they will spend the evening vomiting and re-evaluating their life choices.

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That’s how I suspect most are imagining this scenario, based on, what, a discarded cap? Maybe it’s true. Maybe someone just removed a cap and some active imaginations took over, eager for goofy one-liners to say to the press.

I know a lot of people really want it to be true, and I get that. Fecal-based comeuppance? It’s the dream, possibly best realized in this clip from Terry Gilliam’s movie Brazil:

I guess there’s no harm in believing in dreams.


Contact the author at jason@jalopnik.com.