Everyone’s favorite crazy Latvian is back, and he’s riding up in a 1600 HP gold-plated armored monster of an SUV filled with dead alligator skins, because that’s exactly what he does. Yes, finally, the new DARTZ Black Alligator has been revealed, and I’m pretty sure nobody will be disappointed.

DARTZ claims an impressive history and lineage when it comes to producing absurdly opulent armored vehicles, which they describe in their expectedly unhinged press release, which retells Soviet history filtered through the syntax of old-school hip-hop:

Advertisement

RAPPER’S DELIGHT & BIRTH OF THE OPULENT ARMORED CAR

Almost a hundred years ago, in October 1917, one funky guy named Vladimir Ulyanov a.k.a. LEN:IN, started a habit now favorite among current rap and hip-hop artists.

He jumped into an armored car and started rapping, moreover, he started a rap battle. He had plenty of bars from the infamous K MarXXX and F EngelZ and very quickly his crew became the leader in one sixth of the Earth - the Russian Empire.

What does it all have to do with DARTZ? The armored car which LEN:IN used for his rap battle was made in Riga, at RBVZ (Russo-Balt). factory which since 1869 supplied royal family with opulent royal train coaches, and later with cars - from landaulets and covertibles - till fully armored with cannons.

Following gangster tradition, LEN:IN literally killed the factory director and raided the place.


BIRTH OF DARTZ

70 years after LEN:IN’s rap, one more not less insane guy Leo decided to continue traditions of car building in Riga. He started DARTZ on May 26th, 1988, as soon as Michail Gorbachev a.k.a. Gorby, one of Louis Vuitton faces, allowed soviet people to ‘do busines’.

This paint scheme is called Mars Arctic, and a cosmonaut ordered one, I’m told. More on that soon.

Hopefully that gives you a bit of context with which to appreciate/fear the Black Alligator.

It’s also worth mentioning that the interior choices for the Black Alligator read like the menu at some secret restaurant for bored, decadent billionaires: stingray, alligator, ostrich, crocodile, python, along with shark-skin & sheep-skin floormats.

Advertisement

Here’s some of the technical details of the Black Alligator, also from the press release:

The Dartz Prombron Black Alligator is based on the 2016 Mercedes Benz GLS63 AMG with a handmade Mercedes-AMG 5.5 Liter V8 Biturbo petrol engine 585 hp, with available upgrades to 760, 850, 1100 or 1600 hp. Up to 1500 Nm of Torque.

Exterior bodywork is made out of Kevlar and Carbon Fiber, in case of non armored car. Customers in need of absolute protection get a Kevlar-coated Titanium body with an excess of bulletproof abilities.

Every car is tailor made to the last detail​, even the craziest request. One customer wants a militarized car, other the absolute excess in luxury by having an alligator/stingray steering wheel with 292 black diamonds and 2 rubies on a white gold steering wheel badge.

Because the sorts of people who may end up owning a Black Alligator have very different problems than us filthy common folk, DARTZ provides some solutions to the unique problems of that sort of customer, like their exclusive integrated Anti-Paparazzi system.

Leonard Yankelovich, DARTZ’ RFE (Responsible for Everything) explained how the system works to me. Essentially, there’s sensors on the body of the SUV that are looking for the IR signals sent by modern cameras to figure out focal distance and flash intensity. If these sensors detect the signals from a camera, a bank of strobe lights is activated, effectively blinding both camera and photographer.

Advertisement

Sponsored

Leonard also made it clear that the Black Alligator’s enhanced key is very important, because, as he explained over chat,

Also key

Thats also inportant

MB have same keys even its shitty A class or SLR

Shame for owner

DARTZ solves this problem by having a key that looks like this:

... which nobody will mistake for a “shitty A class.”

Advertisement

It’s probably also worth mentioning that the Black Alligator has the most expensive steering wheel in the world, a fact DARTZ celebrated with this video:

Does the U.S. have a Department of Opulence? I think it may be part of the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and Opulence, now that I think about it.