On its target audience:


Jalopnik caters to incels in their early-20s who are saving for a 200k mile WRX or Miata. They’ll talk to you all day about some random specification on a war with a price tag which is more than they’ll ever make in their lifetime. Meanwhile, they quietly deliver their pizzas from behind the wheel of a Pontiac 6000. The Pumas really help them with the left-foot braking.

And on the ebb and flow of time:


Jalopnik has been garbage since Spinelli left the first time. I would say that it hit bottom when Ray Wert took over, but things are pretty horrible today.

“Buy this Phaeton for the price of a large pizza.” “I went to Carmax and did a thing.” “10 ways to get laid in your car.”

On media bias:

Japopnik is shit. Their bloggers are not fair nor balanced and they are subjective when reporting blogging. The layout is bad and they won’t admit it. They use teaser headlines and usually just rehost something from another website which a tenth of the content and twice the duchy remarks.

On #content:


I tend to agree, but I’m curious why you feel that way? I think Jalopnik acts like, “autoblog with attitude” or something, and while sometimes funny is most just annoying.

Jalopnik uses teaser headlines.

Anything except Jalopnik, they are a bunch of little bitches with an attitude. They push the same stories on you over and over every 12 hours if they want you to do something like the “Bring back the El Camino” piece. Also don’t call them out on something because they think they are hot shit, even though they contradict themselves between stories.

fuck jalop in the face with a big rubber dick

On cars:



Jalop never gave a shit about cars. I can’t believe anyone ever thought that.

On the damn good content:

Motortrend is taking over what Jalopnik used to be. More humor, more offbeat stories, and damn good content, especially on YouTube.

On the state of the media:


Gawker Media and Vox are the epitome of the quantity over quality, style over substance, SJW-drunk shit-stain media empires that are so in vogue right now.

heck, as much as i dislike News Corp, at least those fuckheads over there are sometimes entertaining.

On selling out to the man:

Jalopnik used to be the coolest car site in the universe. It was eclectic, had brilliantly funny writers. I was a starred commenter there, and it was like a family. Incredible games, like identifying a car by a piece of trim, or by its shape under the snow. There were Project Car Hell where you had to pick which of two horrible ran-when-parked horrors you’d take, and why.

Then it went corporate, Gawker turned it into a slick competitor for Car and Driver and bs like that. Gone were the old cars, the odd cars, the great projects.

On business:



It’s a corporate blog now. Can’t blame them for making their money.

On images leaked by businesses:

It’s not concept art, they are images directly from GM, which means Jalopnik has no business putting a watermark on them, let alone posting them two days before the embargo lifts.

On new ownership:


I’m not sure how many folks remember the old Jalopnik before the Denton remake. It was a fantastic place for gearheads of all stripes to hang out. I was there a lot.

On what used to be:

If you like Jalopnik, go visit LifeBlasters to see what Jalopnik Used to be, until it was bought by Gawker.

And on conspiracies:



And as proof, Jalopnik used to REALLY push that they didn’t do blackout dates or anything. If a MFG told them not to publish a review until a certain date, they’d throw a middle finger at the MFG and publish whenever they wanted to. This was a HUGE movement by them.

But, surprise surprise. What are the odds that they release their review on the Fiat 124 on the same day as GRM?Autoblog. Motor Authority. NY Daily News?!!! And tons of others that you can find in a google search for “Fiat 124 First Drive”.

Jalopnik sold out to Gawker. Fuck you both.

On masturbation:

Can Ray Werthless love himself any more?

On community:


I just hate their community with a passion. Their comments section is basically the same 35 people who constantly circle jerk the same topics and inside jokes, in between spewing hate towards anything that doesn’t resemble a diesel stick shift Miata wagon. Plus, every day there are at least a couple blog entries that are no more than a sentence or two long and are there purely to pander to those same commenters.

Granted, when it comes to hate, Reddit’s not much different, but at least you can upvote/downvote here. Over there I’m stuck with whatever got posted and approved first.

On the internet hive mind:

Got to love the irony going on here. In a thread full of people complaining about how circle-jerky Jalopnik is the one guy with a different opinion gets downvoted. Good work guys.

On valuing, uh, themselves:



Jalopnik are worthless.

On jumping the shark:

Two words that describe the precise moment they jumped the shark. Blood. Copy. I’ll never forget the time when they suddenly started linking 15 cars for vampires a day because HBO was promoting a shitty vampire porn.

On who is the asshat:


Patrick George is the asshat.

On Joel (guest post from r/MensRights):

Jalopnik is run by a guy named Joel Johnson, who at one time told me “At least I didn’t spin your [5 month old] son on my cock like a ceiling fan”.

Fuck Joel Johnson and fuck Jalopnik.

On coding and shock:



Jalopnik’s quality in general has degraded over the years. And kinja blows. It’s ugly and terribly coded.

Now you’ll find more gawker-like headlines with shocking / over the top words. “THE WORST blah blah blah.” “THE MOST BEST THING YOULL EVER SEE” etc etc. Annoying.

On fairness (guest post from r/TIL):

And why punish everything Gawker? Jalopnik.com is technically part of Gawker, yes, but I know the 2 guys who started it and they have nothing to do with Gawker. This is ludacris! I mean, imagine if Conde Nast screwed up in one of their magazines and in the shitstorm Reddit got banned from, lets say, mainstream media or something. Is that fair? No.

On pricks:


Many people who call themselves “jalops” are major pricks, I agree

On moderation:

So because you don’t like the new jalopnik nobody should be allowed to share articles here about it? You moderate like Hitler.

On social issues:



Sexism is indeed rampant across all society....against guys. Thanks to misandry and androphobia, males are the disproportionate target of gender violence and gender insults. Cars included.

So tell me feminist: how many times have you heard misandrist terms like”he’s waving his dick” at a guy revving his car. Or “he must be compensating for something” for having big trucks.

Misandry is a systemic plague and feminists continue greatly to it. Sadly, and unsurprisingly, they don’t wanna talk about it

On irony:

I think the most hilariously tasteless part of Jalopnik commentary is the post of the day awards they give each other. Prize is a photo of a pin up girl. This, when the sister site is Jezebel. Oh the irony.

On setting goals and succeeding:


I dunno, they had a nice article about an older Prelude today.

On depreciation:

Honestly I’m more annoyed by the “You can buy XXX for the price of an XXX” articles. It’s like, alright already, cars depreciate I GET IT.

On being at peace with yourself and the world around you:



so we’re back to liking jalopnik?

Whats wrong with Jalopnik?

It’s a gawker site and they’re a bunch of complete cunts.

A sincere apology to The Awl, from whom we blatantly stole this idea. Like the complete cunts we are.

This has been a post from Senior Week, a celebration of Gawker Media as a purveyor of independent journalism. Thank you for your continued support.