Today is an auspicious day

Advertisement

Of great joy and horsepower and play.

Today we get to celebrate

Advertisement

An all-American great!

The snarling and loud Dodge Hellcats.


Black key or red

Sponsored

That’s the choice, and be careful! they said.

But inside we all know

Advertisement

Who has time to go slow!?

We’re here to burn the rubber and wave the flags!


That supercharged whine

Advertisement

Really is just divine.

And the sound of that Hemi, waking from its sleep

Will make all the weak children and small dogs weep.

Advertisement

Advertisement

But isn’t that the point? We laugh, friends, and drive on.


Nay! we shouted at the 335i BMW

And the C-Class Mercedes, too!

Advertisement

None of that European import trash.

We’re going to buy this with good old American cash!

With Washington, Hamilton, Jefferson and Grant.


Burnouts and burnouts and burnouts galore.

Advertisement

Advertisement

Let us forget what traction control really is for.

We’ll burn all the fuel!

Because we are really cool.

Advertisement

Bring us that horizon, and bring it on quick.


You keep your fancy all-wheel-drive

Your low horsepower that will keep you alive.

Advertisement

Advertisement

A V8: we believe nothing is sweeter

Because only milk and juice and also soda come in a 2.0-liter

707 is the answer to all!


And so, to Dodge, we raise a glass

Advertisement

For creating a car in its own class.

For giving us a car more tail-happy and bad

Advertisement

For not giving a fuck about lap times to be had.

And dear Hellcat, never stop being you.