My dearly beloved,
Oh how I love seeing your ads! I, like many motor-enthusiasts, sit at my desk every morning to peruse local cars for sale, hoping to find something to fantasize about. As I take my first few sips of the days coffee, nothing makes me happier than your offer of a 2005 Mercedes CLK500 for the low, low price of $4,328.
I'll disregard all of the warning signs that I should click away, since I'm still half asleep. Sure, you don't mention where you're from, but hey, maybe you're just being cautious?
You never know who could find you, stalk you and subsequently murder you just because you said you live in South St. Louis. It doesn't matter to me that your email address has literally no meaning, again, you're just looking out for your privacy. Nothing says that more than random alphanumerics. I get it.
Then there's the complete lack of license plates in the photos of your Mercedes. Hey, I'm sure you've just been garaging that baby unregistered since the day you bought it. You sir, are a genius! The car's never seen bad weather, hell, the car's hardly seen any weather at all. That's how you prevent depreciation, right?
Now, that being said, umm... This is somewhat awkward, but your price is a bit low. Do you mind if I ask why? You just moved to Liberia? Your brother is there too, and he has cancer? You need money, and you need it fast? Well, here's a charity I will certainly donate to!
I know you said you'd like me to wire the money through Western Union, but I think I'd prefer to just send a bag of cash to that P.O. Box you mentioned earlier. Is that alright? You need the money, so I'm going to round up and give you five grand. I think that should be satisfactory, but if not, I'll throw in a copy of last month's bank statement too, so you trust me. You'll find the address listed there to be the same address I requested you deliver the car.
Anyways, I'm just overjoyed, and I can't wait to receive my new Mercedes! You are a true gentleman and you have made my day.
A Craigslist Newcomer
Craigslist Newcomer is actually Daniel Duncan, a Journalism major at Webster University.
Photo Credit: Shutterstock.com/Tyler Olsen