Fran Drescher Says She Was Abducted By Aliens While Driving

Just in case your special app that immediately reports breaking Fran Drescher news to you failed, I'm going to go ahead and let you know that, apparently, when Fran Drescher was younger, she was driving in a car with her father and was abducted by aliens who implanted a chip of some sort in her hand. Oh, and the exact same thing happened to her ex-husband.

Now, I'm sure many loyal Jalopnik readers are right now flipping tables over and hurling laptops meaningfully into mirrors, demanding to know what this has to do with cars. Relax, friends, and I'll make it clear:

Fran Drescher was abducted by aliens, while in a car, and returned with a chip embedded in her hand. But for what purpose?

Think about it. Cars. Aliens. The Nanny. An implanted chip. The aliens have given us new remote-entry technology for cars! We've evolved from keys to fobs you can keep in your pocket. Great. But what's next? Well, to see that, just take the lovely hand of the honey-voiced actress, and you'll see: hand implants are the next big wave of automobile security. Why bother with fobs or keys when your dealer can simply reprogram your hand implant chip! No lost keys or fobs ever again! And loaning your car is now as easy as minor hand surgery! It's win-win, people! Win-freaking-win.

So thank you, aliens, and thank you, Ms.Drescher, for having the guts to reveal your story, and subsequently making our motoring lives better. I expect to see this on all new Lincolns by, oh, 2015. This, and the hiring of Fran Drescher as spokeswoman, will save the brand. You heard it here first.