I was pleased when Fiat announced their return to America, but, now that the brand is settling in, I realized there's an issue. See, any new 500 driver with a flat or a dead battery is now going to have to endure the cries of "Fix It Again, Tony!" — the beloved-by-many-meatheads derogatory acronym for Fiat — from passing motorists, which many Americans have been desperately waiting two decades to once again yell.
The problem is, it is a pretty sick brand-name-acronym burn, and there's hardly any others to shout back. There's Ford's "Fix Or Repair Daily" and there's a painfully cruel and racist one for Pontiac I won't mention here (and keep it out of the comments, please — we'll ban you if you do — period), but beyond those two, what's a driver to yell at stranded motorists in any number of other cars? Clearly, there's a hole to be filled here, and that's where I come in.
So I've solved your problem. Below please find insulting acronyms for every major marque sold in the US. If I've missed one, or readers in other parts of the world want to make some for, say Citröen or Proton, have at it. But keep to these rules:
• The acronym has to use all the letters in the brand's name, with occasional articles and prepositions squeezed in if needed
• The acronym has to be insulting to the car or driver or company
• Generalizations about national character and stereotypes are fine, just keep it from going into out-and-out racism
Great?
Great.
If we see any good auto acronyms in the comments, we'll add 'em to this list too — and give you credit.
Now, you'll probably want to print this out and tape it to your dash for easy reference. Enjoy:
Acura:
All Customers Undergo Repair Anxiety
Alfa-Romeo:
All Loosely Fitted Accessories Remain On Motorway Enraging Others (via Blue Meanie)
Aston Martin:
Anglophiles Seek To Own, Now Many Are Really Trashy, I Notice
Audi:
Aging, Unfulfilled Dentists' Investment
Attention: User Doesn't Indicate! (via del_ta)
Bentley:
British Excess Needs To Leave Everywhere, Yesterday
BMW:
(for) Bitchy Men, Women
Big Money Wasted (via bearslayer)
Bring Mama's Wallet (via Slave2anMG)
Bugatti:
"Bangin' Underground Gangsta Attitude" Trumps Techy Image
Buick:
Big, Underpowered, Impressing China Keenly (via sisonju)
Bearing Unimpressive I4s, Current as Kennedy (via sisonju)
Cadillac:
Can American Designers Invent Lovely Lines? Apparently, Can't.
Chevrolet:
Cheap Heaps: Expect Very Routine Owner Letdowns, Excessive Trouble
Chrysler:
Can Hear Revs, Yet Sense Little Engine Reaction
Citröen:
Crap Interior Terrible Road-holding Owned Entirely by Nutters (via skinnayyy)
Dacia:
(in Romanian) Daca Ai Cap, Iei Altceva (If you're smart, buy something else) (via ratonbox)
Dodge:
Doddering Old Dudes Get Excited
Ferrari:
Fragile, Expensive Rides Repel All Reasonable Individuals
Fiat:
Fix It Again, Tony*
Ford:
Fix Or Repair Daily*
Found On Road Dead (via Bill Childers)
GMC:
Great, More Crap (via Pure87)
Holden:
Horrible Old Lump of Decrepit Engineering Nonsense (via Jon Etkins)
Honda:
Has Only Normal, Dull Attributes
Horsepower Option Never Did Appear (via Aldairion)
Had One, Never Did Again (via Aldairion)
Hummer:
Huge, Usually Male Member Enlarger Replacement
Hyundai:
Hope You Understand No Dependable Autos Included
Jaguar:
Jerks Are Giving Unasked Advice Regularly
Just Another Gearbox Under Annual Repair (via MurmurSuicidePact)
Jesus! Another Ghastly, Unbelievably Annoying Repair (via Tonylukes)
Jeep:
Just Expect Excessive Problems
Kia:
Korean Idiot's Attempt
Lamborghini:
Less Able Men Buy Only Really Gaudy High-priced Italian Narcissism Implements
Land Rover:
Lame Americans Need Dumb, Really Oversized Vehicles, England Realized
Lexus:
Luxury Equipment Xeroxed, Used Seldom
Lincoln:
Luxury Is Now Cheesy On Latest Navigators
Lotus:
Lightness Out; Tubbiness Ubiquitous, Sadly
Maserati:
Mechanically Adept Souls Expect Repairs All Times, Indefinitely
Maybach:
Mercedes, And Yet Buyers Almost Completely Hypothetical
Mazda:
Mainstream Ads, "Zoom-Zoom" Denote Apathy
Mercedes-Benz:
Mechanical Engineers Regret Choices, Especially Designing Expensive Stuff, But Executives Need Zillions
Mercury:
Massive Engines Run Curiously Underpowered Rolling Yawnbarges (via Cheh Poh'r)
Mini:
Metrosexual Idiots Need Instructions
Mitsubishi:
Mechanics Investigate Trouble, Some Understand, But It's Sure Had It
Morgan:
Merkin-Owning Rich Geezers Are (the) Norm
Nissan:
Nasty Import Styles Seem All Normal
Oldsmobile:
Old Ladies Driving Slowly Making Others Behind Incessantly Late Everyday (via RedRaider922)
Pagani:
Prissy Aristocrats Gather Accumulated Net Income (via Klic)
Pontiac:
Ponderous, Old, Noisy— These Indicate Attributes, Clearly
Porsche:
Pricks Or Rich Shitheads Can Have ‘Em
Rolls-Royce:
Rich Old Lame Louts Still Run Over Your Childhood Expectations
Saab:
Sadly Absent, Always Broken
Saturn:
Slow And Tasteless: Upgrade Right Now!
Simpletons Attracted To Unconventional Retail Network (via ginsunh)
Scion:
Stupid Children Ignoring Ordinary Notions (via ScottyDsntKnw25)
Sad Cars Inspire Only Nausea
Smart:
Smug Men Are Really Tiny
Subaru:
Shift Up, Because Always Revs Unnecessarily
Suzuki:
Sadly Uninspired Zip Ultimately Kills It
Tesla:
Technology Excesses Seem Lame, Actually
Toyota:
Totally Ordinary Yawn-Optimizing Tedious Autos
Volkswagen:
Very Ordinary Looking Krautwagons Saddled With Apathetic German Engineering Now
Volvo:
Violation Of Law: Vehicular Obesity
Vacuous Owners Love Vehicular Oddities (via misterfrontrow)
* Already existing. Also, Matt came up with the VW one, and Patrick came up with Bugatti.
Photo Credit: (Jim Magill)