COTD: Kidnap the flawed antihero edition

In addition to being a horrible thing to happen to someone in real life, being locked in a car trunk has been a movie device going back to the dawn of cinema. Well, maybe not the dawn, but — at the very latest — the 10:45 am of cinema.

This bit of wisdom from FriscoFairlane reminds me of a Cassavetes movie, only more servicey (that's magazine-speak for "useful"). Never seen a Cassavetes picture? Imagine Tarantino making Reservoir Dogs while on quaaludes. And with Ben Gazzara instead of Harvey Keitel. Or maybe Tarantino's like Cassavetes doing The Killing of a Chinese Bookie on a coke habit (just speculating here). Either way, read Frisco's comment as a kind of noirish appendix to the original article. And feel free to discuss using mountains of annoying film-school jargon.

If you have the pleasure of being tossed in the trunk of a classic American car, not only is your kidnapper a classy gent with great taste, but you are probably going to die. If the fuel fumes do not get you, and you don't arrive at your final destination in less than 10 minutes, there may be a chance for escape.

If you are a huge nerd or an old guy, just reach into that pouch strapped to your belt and pull out your Letherman or cheap Chinese discount store multi-tool. You always said that it would save your life, and now it is actually going to.

It's gonna be dark, so feel around and find the bolts on the trunk lid that secure the latch (it's in the middle, smart guy). Then, you are going to try to find a little metal nub, or possibly just a slot somewhere between those bolts. This thing is basically just the other side of the lock tumbler, and, coincidentally, your keyway to escaping certain death and/or major butt trauma.

If you are still alive and you find the nub (pictured), grab it with your nerd-pliers and turn it, and the trunk will pop open. If you just find a slot, just stick the screwdriver in and twist away.

If you are a cool person and you don't have a multi-tool strapped to your khakis, then start looking for tools in the trunk. It's an old car, so there is a rusty pair of pliers or an old standard screwdriver in there somewhere. Find them, follow the same instructions above or face certain doom.

I recommend waiting for the car to stop before jumping out, but whatever is going to happen to you when the bad guys open the trunk is going to be way worse than hitting the road at 30 mph.

Remember folks, kidnappers do not care if you cry or if you crapped your pants on the way there. Escaping is your only hope. You and your still-virginal bottom can thank me when you return home safely from your next classic-car kidnapping.