At twelve grand, yesterday's diminutive SBC-powered Suzuki X90 came up a little short in the vote - like 82% Crack Pipe short. But that automotive equivalent of a chick-with-a-dick did have one thing going for it, and that was the fact that it was. . . HOLY LEMON SCENTED CATSHIT, SOMEBODY'S SELLING A TOPLESS EUROVAN!
VW ‘s Typ Zwei has been beloved for decades by both dirty hippie and douchie hipster. And whether buying ones perforated with enough windows to make them look like an insect's occulus, or with a ginormous sunroof, their owners have always pined to bring the outdoors inside. Today's custom 1993 EuroVan beats them all with a roof that, like Euro-zone fiscal solvency, is imaginary.
Clarkson, May, and the short angry one may have gone so far as to have fitted a semi-functional soft top to their Espace, but at anything above 50 miles per hour, it peeled back like Jeremy Piven's toupee. This Vee-dub avoids that issue by leaving any semblance of weather protection by the wayside. The EuroVan debuted in the US in 1993, supplanting the Vanagon as Volkswagen's grammatically tortured people mover. Other names initially considered but ultimately discarded were Vaginagon, Germabus, and Amnot-Eurotoo.
But the biggest change in VW's new people mover was engine placement, going from rear to front, or in gay parlance, from pitcher to catcher. Replacing the wasserboxer of the prvious generation was a 109-bhp inline five cylinder that provided the EuroVan with performance bordering on perceptible. Adding to the lugubriousity, this topless T4 has a four-speed auto backing that up, although the seller does claim that it benefited from a recent servicing.
Considering that this van likely now has all the torsional rigidity of a wet egg carton, maybe that's for the better. While you're going slow you‘ll get to enjoy alfresco dining on the mid-cabin table, which is flanked by captain's chairs in front, and a three-wide bench in the back. Folding all that down reveals another benefit of this custom van - alfresco napping, which makes it about the best mobile Kindergarten you're likely to find. In fact, it should be noted that for grownups, sleeping topless out of doors has many health benefits, and for those of you who have stumbled over here from Jezebel, you should also know that taking pictures of yourself topless in bed, and them posting them to the web, will make your boobs bigger. It's a little known fact.
An amazing fact about this van is that it looks professionally done, right down to the passenger-side sliding door still seeming to function, sort of in dutch door fashion. That, along with the rest of the body is resplendent in satin black paint and the kind of vinyl graphics - including a massive EUROVAN on each flank - that will bring even the most introverted passenger out of their shell in no time. Of course the wild wind-whipped hair and constant spitting-out of flying insect detritus will help with that too.
Why would someone cut the roof off a Eurovan? Why do people do anything, and who the hell are we to question their motives? Whatever they were, those must have been some pretty damn good drugs, that's all I'm saying. The bigger question is, what would someone do with a topless EuroVan? You could give tours of celebrity homes in it, or drive your kids to school in it on freezing days so they'll be damn happy to get socks and warm underwear for Christmas. Or, use it as a rolling advertisement for your new topless tapas bar.
Whatever the reason, this EuroVan is so whack that the opportunities surrounding it are endless - or at least until that first time you hit a driveway apron too fast, twisting the remnants of the uni-body like a kama sutra move. But until then, it looks like it has all four wheels firmly planted on the tarmac, and even with 120K on the clock, it doesn't look too beat up. Plus- topless!
And all that - or less that, as it were - only costs $3,000. Usually a seller makes the claim of a vehicle being worth more because it has more, in this case they're really advocating that in the case of this Vee-dub, less is more. What do you think, is $3,000 a reasonable amount to not top it off? Or, does that make this EuroVan a fair-weather friend?
H/T to Chris Holmes for the hookup!
Help me out with NPOCP. Click here to send a me a tip, and remember to include your commenter handle.