There's an old saying about things difficult to categorize being neither fish nor fowl. Exemplifying that maxim, today's Nice Price or Crack Pipe custom Civic is neither wholly Honda or BMW, but will you find its price is completely foul?
The only thing more amazing than how Bob Ross effortlessly turned blank canvasses into works of art was his hair- a voluminous afro dome that seemed to defy both gravity and the narrow confines of the Public Broadcast System. Ross' serene TV show influenced many a budding artist over the years, however for many of them, the canvas of choice was not an easel-mounted fabric rectangle, but a Japanese econbox. And of those, Honda's Civic seemed to be a favorite happy little tree.
Today's 1999 Civic EX coupe is just such a work of art, and before you go and equate with its smoky skull flames and BMW intellectual property flouting nose with Dogs Playing Poker, or velvet paintings of very sad clowns, be aware that this Civic is being sold by the father of a service man who has just re-entered the Army. That of course means the armed and trained to kill owner has the wherewithal to find those who make disparaging comments about his car, using the same method that let the Navy Seals locate Osama Bin Laden - the iPhone's Find My Friends app.
But this custom Civic likely won't engender much negativity, either for its paint job or nose job. The work done here looks - in the picture at least - to be of decent quality, and who doesn't like a little 3-series styling in their Civic? It sure will confuse the hell out of the speed trap cops as a BMW blows by them but upon pulling away from the curb, the only car they spot is an old Honda. Whaaaaa?!
This Honda being an EX, it has all the bling that the company felt it could load onto the car back in the day. That means the usual - A/C. Power windows and a moon roof that you may moon through. This one has steel wheels with plastic covers, a somewhat incongruous addition considering the other work done to the car, but at least the ninja star covers have been painted black rather than the typical curb-scraped silver and grey.
Above all that is a custom paint scheme that looks like something out of Alien vs. Predator, and is of a complexity that makes it evident a lot of work went into it. The BMW nose - as noted in the seller's headache-inducing ALL CAPS listing - is claimed to come from a real BMW. For whatever that's worth, the twin kidney grilles, along with the stock Civic light units, give the car the unmistakable appearance of . . . that same year's Hyundai Elantra. Sorry dude.
Mechanically, there's also some good and bad on this car - first off, the seller notes that it is completely stock under the hood, so there's no chance of something grenading due to the addition of aftermarket asshattery. The EX also came with the 127-bhp D16y8 four-banger with SOHC-VTEC, yo. Unfortunately, that's back up with Honda's snooze-o-matic transmission which absorbs the VTEC kicks like Spongebob. Zero to sixty runs with this car - assuming the BMW nose isn't any heavier than the stock Honda one - are going to be in the 9-10 second range, although handling should still be entertaining.
There's no pics of the interior, although the seller says the car is stock, and these were pretty durable, and without any notable particular failings, so it should be okay. He also doesn't provide the mileage, although again, it's a late ‘90s Civic, and it's hard to find flaw with the durability of those regardless of miles - as long as they've been maintained. The biggest question this car begs is not the choice of the BMW nose, but the reason for it - was it required due to the popping of this car's accident cherry?
It's always tough buying a car from someone who wasn't its primary driver, because they don't necessarily know the car as well. But when the ass that spent the most time in the driver's seat is now being put on the line in military service for our great nation, then accommodations must be made.
Accommodations in this case should be given to the seller for his annoying use of ALL-CAPS and overdrawn account as the Bank of Asterisks. That accommodation does not go as far as the price of such a car - after all, that's why we're here - and in fact it's now time to determine if this custom Civic is worth its $2,999 demand. What do you think, does a BMW nose, and kind of creepy flame job outweigh a slusher gearbox and the fact that it's still a mostly stock old Civic? Or, is this an art form for which you are not a patron?
You decide!
Two Pickets to Titspurgh Craigslist or go here if the ad disappears.
H/T to 404 Name Not Found for, well, finding this ad.
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