For $31,190, quick, somebody get Paul Blart on the phone!

It's not the Bluesmobile, nor does it possess the bloated orca-like visage of Caprice cop cars of the past. But while neither of those things, today's Nice Price or Crack Pipe Caprice PPV presents an interesting opportunity for the individual who can swing its purchase requirements, one of which being its price, which might seem a crime.

Also a crime — at least to the 80% of you who voted it a Nice Price win - would have been letting yesterday's clean machine '81 AMC Eagle SX/4 get away. That apparent time capsule car was a rare 5-speed, and as these Eagles have been on the endangered species list for years now, hopefully somebody with a modicum of appreciation for the brand will rescue it.

Okay, I'm going to give you four words that are going to make you squeal like a noob arrestee during his first cavity search - brand new rear-drive Caprice police car. Alright, you got me, that's seven words, what are you going to do, call the cops? If you did, they might like today's 2011 Caprice PPV as much as doing their holiday shopping in the evidence locker. And they would have no problem with this PPV's purchase requirement.

For $31,190, quick, somebody get Paul Blart on the phone!

If you have a vague recollection of the Pontiac G8, then you likely know what this new Caprice is, as well as what it it is not. What it is is put together in Australia, but that doesn't mean it's built out of didjeridu, after all this is the nation that gave us Bathurst, Mad Max, and PETA-infuriating animal-skin clothes that handily already come with pockets.

The new Caprice is much more than just an Aussie Holden with a Saudi-market Chevy nose however, as it has also been stretched nearly four inches between the wheels, offering room in back that even the most lanky of perps will consider appealingly commodious. It also has received significant strengthening (and hence weight) to the suspension attachment points ensuring confidence during even the most dicey of Rockford moves. Other mods are a wide center console space between the institutional grade bucket seats, handy for all those donut boxes, as well as A-pillar mounted LED spots, just the thing for keeping makeout point teens abstinent. No-nonsense black-painted steelies wrapped in speed-rated tires keep the whole thing off the ground.

For $31,190, quick, somebody get Paul Blart on the phone!

Powering this 9C1 Patrol Caprice is the 355-bhp 6.0-litre V8 backed up by a 6-speed auto box. That combo is good for zero to code three runs of just a tick over six seconds, and a top speed of 148 miles per hour. ABS disc brakes all the way around make stopping just as much fun with a claimed 128.3 feet, assuming you're not at the time sliding it sideways and then leaping out to tackle a fleeing scumbag. Handling with the chassis improvements and all-independent cop suspension should make driving this like frisking Miranda Kerr — especially after the manhandling-a-recalcitrant-John-Goodman-like experience of driving the late and loved Crown Vic.

You have the right to remain impressed.

For $31,190, quick, somebody get Paul Blart on the phone!

You may never have wanted to be Buford T. Justice, but you surely have harbored a jones over his, and other cops' cars. There's good reason Elwood chose a former patrol car to be the new Bluesmobile, and it wasn't just its Illinois Nazi-crushing abilities. This Caprice PPV is the first rear-drive law enforcement CAR that Chevy has offered in more than 15 years, and those of you in a snit over having missed jumping through the narrow window of opportunity affording the new purchase of a G8 can finally get your fix.

There's just one little problem.

You see, just like automatic weapons, and the ability to successfully rock the aviators and ‘stache look, the PPV is only available to John Law or other ‘certified security personnel'. Firemen, EMTs and other Tactical pants and Red Wing shoe-wearing service men and women are eligable, the rest of us, not so much. Here's the thing though, this PPV is offered up by a dealership in Texas, and that state is so batshitcrazypants rodeo that damn near every card-carrying citizen there has been deputized to fight the twin threats of illegal immigrants and dirty liberal hippies. If they've got the cash, shouldn't they also have the right to the tools to get the job done? This is Texas, right? I mean, it's in the Constitution!

So let's say you can get by that little hurdle at the dealer with a wink and a secret hand shake known only to Texicans, and without having to flash the heater strapped to your ankle in an effort to prise this red hot but plain wrapper Caprice from the dealer, let's just go with that and focus on what it would take financially to do so.

The dealer has set a price for this10-miles on the clock, spanking new Caprice PPV of $31,190. That's below the Chevy-set suggested price of $31,495, but more than the per-car cost of buying them in bulk like down at the Costco, which is what most municipalities do. You likely only need the one, so $31,190 it is, plus a letter from Texas' borderline-incoherent coyote-capping Governor, saying it's okay. After all, who wants to wait 8 years to buy a used one at government auction and have to put up with the gag-inducing stench from years of spilled coffee and the felonious fart ghosts of former backseat detainees.

So what do you think about that price for this PPV Caprice? Do you think that makes it worth copping a deal? Or, for that much do you think this Caprice couldn't get arrested in this town?

You decide!

eBay or go here if the ad disappears.

H/T to westcoaster for the hookup!

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