MotorTrend's 2012 Car of the Year is an epic win for mediocrity

I've just picked Golden Corral as the 2012 Mike Spinelli Restaurant of the Year. Oh, I don't give a damn about quality, technology, product-use experience or any other childish bullshit like that. I care about profits, dude, big friggin' profits.

The point is that Golden Corral knows, better than any jerkoff celebrity chef, how to squeeze big dollars out of a slice of pork loin. They may never get a single James Beard award or Michelin star, but I'm sure they'll be drowning their sorrows in giant, steaming vats of million-dollar bills, thank you very much.

That's why I'm all for MotorTrend announcing minutes ago that the Volkswagen Passat is its 2012 Car of the Year. Who gives a crap about some snooty concept of "motoring." Screw motoring. If I'd wanted to "motor" I'd build an MGA out of aspen wood and copper tubing, and wear so much tweed that Magee of Donegal would open a factory in my living room.

No, the only thing that matters is building cars that 1.) people will buy, and 2.) that cost a lot less to make they they sell for. If people won't buy the damn things, why should MotorTrend consider them for car of the year? Why would MotorTrend cater to the whims of "enthusiasts" over the marketplace? That would be like People snubbing the Kardashians for a sub-par production of The Merry Wives of Windsor.

MotorTrend's 2012 Car of the Year is an epic win for mediocrity

The Passat is the most significant new car of the year because Volkswagen took great pains to change it in an attempt to make more money from it, largely by making it less remarkable as a car, and more valuable as a driving tool. That's the business. If you don't like it, move to the Isle of Man and drive rally cars and ride liter bikes all day, Bruno. Leave me out of your little motoring fiction, will you?

I, for one, applaud MotorTrend for standing up to all those pretentious "gearheads," who wouldn't know a profitable car if they bounced off of one at an intersection because the little tart behind the wheel blew the stoplight while sexting with some energy-drink magnate. Cars are about profits, bitch. Thanks MotorTrend for showing us the light.