How to Make Minivans Cool

Are minivans "cool"? Well, they are vehicles for parents, and "parent" is known to be the least cool type of person on the planet, so no. Car companies have set out to change that, and we can help them.

According to The New York Times, "automakers are trying mightily to persuade us" that minivans are "cool" and/or "hip." Not only have they redesigned their minivans "to offer flashier looks, more advanced technology and a sportier ride," they've also spent millions on ad campaigns featuring, among other things, "heavy metal theme songs" and "pyrotechnics." But take it from me, a well-known cool person and former minivan driver ('94 Mazda MPV): It's not enough! No worries, though—I've come up with a few ideas off the top of my head, like:

  • Leather jacket. Not sure who wears it, or what. Still in planning stages. But definitely, leather jacket. Nothing cooler.
  • Minivan that talks to you? Cool phrases like: "What do you think of Kanye's new album?" "Do you have any blow?" "I killed a guy last night." Research computer voices—is Janeane Garofalo available?
  • Consumers "don't want to be seen in a minivan"? That's fine! Masks included.
  • Commitment to old-school quality—hand-make minivan out of selvage denim. (Research Japanese factories.)
  • Collaborations: Minivan by Marc Jacobs. Minivan by Sarah Jessica Parker. Minivan by Randy Quaid. Minivan by Barack Obama (call in favors).
  • Are we on Facebook? Get on Facebook. Facebook.com/minivan. Twitter.com/minivan. Minivan.tumblr.com. Vyou.com/minivan. Threewords.me/minivan.
  • Rappers! Get rappers involved. Is there a rapper called "Minivan"? Research.
  • Sponsor poetry readings, poetry slams, dance performances, one-act plays, art "happenings," etc. At the end, drive a minivan through the crowd.
  • What if, instead of a minivan, a fixed-gear bicycle? Spitballing here.

[NYT]