How To Eat A Burrito While Popping A Wheelie

Motorcycles are comparatively cheaper than cars, cost less to insure, are easier to park, and use less gasoline. But, some activities that while easy to perform in a car, seem impossible on a motorcycle. Here's my solutions to these difficulties.

Eating Fast Food

We'll start at the beginning for this one. There is a certain ballet that one performs at the food window of a fast food restaurant. you pass a ten dollar bill to the kid in the window as he hands you your 32oz Baja Blast. You put the sticky cup in the cupholder and attempt to put the straw in the top before. . . Ahh Shit, he's already holding your change (more than $3 if you're skinny, less than $3 if you're fat. You've really got a problem if the kid is holding out and empty hand asking for the rest of the money.). You toss the straw on the passenger seat and grab the change. You try to jam the money in your wallet before the. . . shit, a bag of five burritos is hanging outside your window. The money is jammed in the wallet before the coins and the wallet are tossed on the passenger seat. It isn't until you're waiting at the light outside Taco Bell that you're finally able to put the straw in your Baja Blast.

Now let's try to do this on a motorcycle. To perform this particular dance, the ballerina (you, on a motorcycle) will require one tool: a roll of duct tape. When the window kid hands you your Baja Blast, set the cup on your gas tank and unroll an eighteen inch strip of duct tape. Wrap the end of the tape once around the bottom of the cup making a lasso shape. Secure the long end of the tape to the side of the tank. At this point, the kid in the window will have been holding your change out the window for about 20 seconds and he will be visibly upset. Say, "Hey, I'm on a fucking bike." Take the change, ask for an extra straw, and put the change in your mouth for now. Lasso the cup once more and tape the other side of the tank. Place the straw in the cup. Pinch the end of the extra straw and insert it into the end of the first straw.

Congratulations. You now have a cup holder that is accessible from the normal riding position. A car is honking. Turn around and shout a muffled obscenity at the driver. It is a young mother with her eight year old daughter in the passenger seat of a minivan. Give the daughter the finger. Take the bag of burritos and hang it from your left handgrip. Take the money out of your mouth and jam it in your jacket pocket. Click into first and you're off. At the stoplight, take a sip of the Baja Blast. You've earned it, buddy.

Eating in a car is pretty straightforward. The left hand holds the drink while the left pinky hold the steering wheel. A burrito is in the right hand. The heel of the right hand engages the shift knob.

There are two methods to eating burritos while riding a motorcycle. Neither can be considered neat and tidy.

The first method that we will discuss will be referred to as the, "Trough Method." Once you reach cruising speed use your left hand to reach into the bag and remove the burrito wrappers one by one. The wrapper can be removed by grasping a corner and shaking up and down. Once the burritos have been unsheathed and the wrappers jettisoned over you shoulder, remove the bag from the handgrip. You will notice that the bag has two holes in it. Hang the bag from you left ear, then your right. Now, feed.

The second method requires much more skill, but is remarkably more dramatic and impressive. At cruising speed, unwrap one burrito and move it to your dominant hand. We'll use the right hand as an example. Let go of the throttle while pulling the clutch in with your left hand. Downshift simultaneously. Pitch the burrito forward and upward at a 45 degree angle. Twist the throttle and engage the clutch. If done correctly, you will surge forward and be hit directly in the mouth by the flying burrito. You will be forced to swallow the burrito whole by the sheer speed of the projectile. Keep in mind that most of the ingredients in a burrito do not require chewing. While wearing a full face helmet, the technique is much the same, though the rider must be even more skilled as he must catch the burrito with his nose and eyes. Only then will the burrito be forced by gravity into the rider's mouth. This method requires much practice.

Listening To The Radio

I've been told over and over that using headphones while on a motorcycle is dangerous. We will try to circumvent this danger with a new method. The only tool required for this method will be a tire iron, prybar, or "crowbar."

Select a target car. Stick to something new and fairly large, as these types of vehicles typically have the nicest and loudest stereos. Pull up alongside the passenger side of the car and tap on the passenger side glass. It will break. Shout, "Bitch! Turn it up!" If you want to hear another station, shout, "Bitch! Change it to 93.5!" If the driver begins to swerve out of fear, bang on the door and shout, "Bitch! Calm down!" Enjoy the tunes.

Talking On The Phone

Some companies manufacture and sell mounting hardware that is designed to hold a cell phone near the gauges on a motorcycle to be used in conjunction with a bluetooth headset. This option is very expensive and, therefore, should not even be a remote consideration.

First, secure your telephone to the fusebox that is likely between your handlebars, near the gauges, with Velcro.

When riding, flip the phone open and key the speed dial for the person you'd like to call. Shout your intended message. You will not be able to hear a response, not even on speaker phone. So, don't bother.

When receiving a call, hit the "answer" button and look at the caller ID and think, "What does this person need?" Shout the information that you think this person will require. If it is your wife, you will likely shout, "No, you can't buy it! The laundry had better be done when I get home or I am going to beat the hell out of you!" If it is your son you will likely shout, "It's called the Morning After Pill! She can get it at Planned Parenthood!" If it is the police you will likely shout, "I was at Joe's house the whole time!" Then you will call Joe and shout, "Tell the police I was with you or I will tell them about the hooker you killed last year!"

Ride safe, fellow two-wheelers. Keep it lubed!

This piece was written and submitted by a Jalopnik reader and may not express views held by Jalopnik or its staff. But maybe they will become our views. It all depends on whether or not this person wins by whit of your eyeballs in our reality show, "Who Wants to be America's Next Top Car Blogger?"