The Formula For The Perfect HandshakeS

This is the scientifically-derived mathematical formula for the perfect handshake. The algebraic expression supposedly takes into account the twelve primary measures needed to convey respect and trust to the recipient.

What does this have to do with cars. Nothing. That didn't stop Chevy UK from creating this tongue-in-British-cheek formula to express the perfect handshake. No, seriously, they claim the mathematical formula was developed for the car brand as part of a handshake training guide for its staff to prepare them ahead of the launch of its new "5 Year Promise" offer, which aims to offer "peace of mind and reassurance to its customers." We're also hoping it offers a warranty on the Lacetti.

All we know is it's ludicrous. But whatever, the formula actually makes some level of sense — here's the breakdown of each variable:

(e) is eye contact (1=none; 5=direct)
(ve) is verbal greeting (1=totally inappropriate; 5=totally appropriate)
(d) is Duchenne smile - smiling in eyes and mouth, plus symmetry on both sides of face, and slower offset (1=totally non-Duchenne smile (false smile); 5=totally Duchenne)
(cg) completeness of grip (1=very incomplete; 5=full)
(dr) is dryness of hand (1=damp; 5=dry)
(s) is strength (1= weak; 5=strong)
(p) is position of hand (1=back towards own body; 5=other person's bodily zone)
(vi) is vigour (1=too low/too high; 5=mid)
(t) is temperature of hands (1=too cold/too hot; 5=mid)
(te) is texture of hands (5=mid; 1=too rough/too smooth)
(c) is control (1=low; 5=high)
(du) is duration (1= brief; 5=long)

Chevy's also provided this list of top ten handshake turn offs that are obviously made up, but still spot-on:

1. Sweaty palms (38 per cent say it is their top turn off)
2. Loose grip / limp wrist (35 per cent)
6. Gripping too hard (7 per cent)
3. Not making eye contact (5 per cent)
5. Shaking too vigorously (4 per cent)
8. Shaking for too long (4 per cent)
4. Standing too close (2 per cent)
9. Shaking with the left hand (2 per cent)
7. Not shaking for long enough (1 per cent)
10. Hot hands (1 per cent)

*Other (1 per cent)

The best part however, is the contact info at the bottom of the Chevy UK press release:

The Formula For The Perfect HandshakeS

At least they have a sense of humor, no matter how bad it is. Try getting even a bad joke out of the Chevy U.S. PR team. Perish the thought.