Five Car-Related Clubs We Wish Existed

Occasionally, the world just doesn't give you what you need. Like these five car-related clubs that aren't out there yet. Feel the need to start a local chapter? Thank us later.

Name: No, Speed Racer, No

Motto: "To Boldly Slow…Where No Man Has Wanted to Slow Before."

Club Principles: A support group for people with too many points on their license to continue speeding. You probably know the feeling, even if you haven't bumped up against your state's license-pulling limit: The first ticket is almost a non-event, more a speeding tax than a deterrent. By the second, you begin to analyze how, where, and why you haul ass. By the third, you're well and truly paranoid, eyeing overpasses and frantically glancing into the trees. ("The pigeons. They have radar guns." "Honey, they're just birds." "Are you kidding? That's what they want you to think.")

Have six months left before it's safe to flat-foot it? Your next five-over going to get you arrested? Everyone needs a hand to hold on to.

Name: The Zipcar Abstinence Group

Motto: "Keep it Zipped."

Club Principles: Exactly what it sounds like-a club dedicated to stopping people in big cities from using Zipcars for prostitution and random sexual acts. (This happens. Seriously.) Achin' for some on-the-go bacon? Dying for a good old-fashioned game of Hide the Shift Knob, only without the time-consuming cleanup? Sorry, pal—some of us actually use these things to get around in, and nothing ruins the morning traffic slog like the smell of someone else's man-butter. Do the rest of us a favor and stick to your own garage—or at least the nearest bus station.

Name: We Bad

Motto: "You suck. Admit it."

Club Principles: A club for bad drivers who want to improve their skills behind the wheel. Don't worry—this isn't you. It's never you. It's always the other guy, and if he weren't such an asshat, you wouldn't have driven your car over that cliff and into that orphanage and ruined little Timmy's Christmas and now you're in jail and wait until your lawyer sees what you did to that guy with the shiv you made out of that iPod, only seriously, it wasn't your fault…

Name: (No) Love and Theft

Motto: "Steal my car. Please."

Club Principles: A club for people who drive vehicles so desperately crappy that they would literally be better off walking. You may not have been here, but you probably know someone who has. This is for the folks who avoid driving like the plague, the people who hate their cars with a passion. Ford Topaz catch fire on a daily basis? Datsun Honey Bee once give you the Hanta virus? Welcome home. Leave your conscience at home, leave your keys on the table, and leave the building before your insurance company finds out.

Name: Art and Science, My Ass

Motto: "Get off my lawn!"

Club Principles: A club for people who think old-school, front-wheel-drive Cadillacs are just fine, thank you very much, and who don't like the division's current styling direction. There are several thousand of these people, and they all live within a hundred-mile radius of Boca Raton, Florida. Most of them drive a gold-plated DTS and believe the internet to be a compellingly old-fashioned mystery show featuring Angela Lansbury. Which is probably just as well.

Send an email to Sam Smith, the author of this post, at sam@jalopnik.com.

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