Potential LeMons South Miscreants Beware: The Taiwanese National Anthem Penalty!

We were were too busy to adminster the Ozzy Osbourne Inertial Penalty Horn at the Gator-O-Rama 24 Hours Of LeMons, but not to worry! We're going to South Carolina armed with two very noisy penalties…

Some LeMons miscreants are so penalty-prone that they need frequent on-track reminders to, say, keep an eye open for yellow flags or avoid getting all sideways and backwards in a cloud of tire smoke and dirt. The Ozzy Osbourne Inertial Penalty Horn administers a super-cruel blare gentle sonic correction whenever the miscreant turns, slows down, accelerates, or hits a bump, but it just isn't constant enough! Enter the Taiwanese National Anthem. Some of you might be more familiar with its official name: the Six Tone Car Alarm Siren:



Yes, for 25 years we've been hearing this marvel of modern technology. Traditionally coupled with a hair-trigger sensor that fires up the siren when such car-theft-like events as rain, passing motorcycles, or the presence of nitrogen in the atmosphere occur, it's safe to assume that every urban dweller in the world has more than a passing familiarity with the Taiwanese National Anthem.

Where does the name come from? Well, let's get all hypothetical here: Let's say your Taiwanese-American buddy is all upset because some neighbor kids egged his parents' house while shouting out anti-Asian epithets. Further, let's say that research has revealed to a certain future automotive writer that a junkyard-obtained Six Tone Car Alarm Siren will operate for many, many hours- at full volume- via the power of a single 9-volt battery. And, just for the sake of argument, imagine rigging up several Six Tone Car Alarm Sirens with packs of double parallel 9-volt batteries and numerous treble fishhooks on sturdy twine… and there's a tall maple tree right in front of the offending racist egg-throwers' house. Of course, we don't recommend hurling said hook-enabled, battery-powered Six Tone Car Alarm Sirens high into said tree at 3:00 AM on a quiet suburban-Orange-County Monday night, and we especially don't recommend that you and your scurviest hairball cronies stand in the street brandishing tire irons and screaming "SALUTE THE TAIWANESE NATIONAL ANTHEM, MOTHERFUCKERS!" Yes, a bit of Taiwanese pride, from the sons of Chiang Kai-Shek who gave the world the never-ending gift of the Six Tone Car Alarm Siren (though current versions are manufactured by the Reds, the six iconic tones have remained unchanged since the 1980s Made In Taiwan models). We can safely assume that neptunium-fueled sand buggies on the Mars Base, circa 2109, will be equipped with these sirens; sadly, the lack of atmosphere on the Moon will preclude their use on vehicles there.


So, here's another reason you LeMons South drivers want to behave yourselves on the track: the unlucky recipient of the TNA Penalty will get the siren hooked up somewhere inside the car, where he or she can't reach it, and it will be cycling through its six car-thief-deterring tones until the next time the car leaves the track. So that the many onlookers (we had over a thousand spectators show up at MSR for the last race) will be able to identify the miscreant with the annoying car alarm as it passes by the bleachers, we'll be providing a flagpole and full-size Taiwanese flag… which the miscreants' team will need to install themselves, thus making the penalty waste even more time. Check out that fine PVC flagpole, constructed by master trophy maker, Alfa Romeo racer, and Giulia Sprint Speciale daily driver Jeff.

Send an email to Murilee Martin, the author of this post, at murilee@jalopnik.com.

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