Top Ten Ways To Drive Like A, Um... Modified Import Car Enthusiast

People give young folks in backwards baseball caps driving tuned Civics a lot of grief. Deserved maybe, but grief nonetheless. Are they really that irritating? Do we really have to call them "Ricers?" Why stereotype? Aren’t they just misguided kids trying to make their mark in life the only way they know how: by dancing bolting big wings to cars that don’t need them? The Daily Interweb came up with “A Ricer’s Guide To Driving,” but we don’t think it differs much from the “How to drive like an average everyday asshole” list that we’ve been putting together for a while now. So let’s take a look at the two side-by-side and determine if there really is a difference between young hoons in modified imports and the rest of our great, big sweaty nation.

10.)
Ricer: You must tailgate at all times. If you are more than a foot away from the car in front of you, you are not trying hard enough.
Average Everyday Asshole: You must tailgate at all times. If you are more than a foot away from the car in front of you, you may actually be devoting half your brain to driving, or allowing another person to infringe on your God-given right to drive 56.3 MPH on that particular stretch of road.

9.)
Ricer: Never turn off your high beams. You get extra points if they are aimed up.
Average Everyday Asshole: Never turn off your fog lights. Not only did you pay for them, thus validating their use, but you’re not sure where the off switch is anyways.

8.)
Ricer: Signaling lets others know where you are going. Winning the race is easier if other cars can never be sure where you plan to go next.
Average Everyday Asshole: Signaling informs others of your God-given right to be in their lane. After all, if you signaled, you gave them fair warning to get out of your way.

7.)
Ricer: Always weave through traffic. Your car was built with extremely advanced suspension and handling. Use it.
Average Everyday Asshole: Since you have no idea where the performance limit of your vehicle — or anyone else’s — lies, you should take extreme offense to anyone driving slightly outside of the norm or, god forbid, trying to pass you while you’re sitting in the fast lane your lane. Call the police and exercise blocking maneuvers the second you see someone doing this. It’s your responsibility to fight terrorism.

6.)
Ricer: Speed limits are for suckers. Live a little.
Average Everyday Asshole: The unwritten 10 MPH over on the highway rule should not be broken by anyone, ever. See above. In neighborhoods, the 25 MPH limit is for suckers and should be ignored at all costs.

5.)
Ricer: Never check your mirrors when you are changing lanes. When you are traveling over 100 mph in a car with drum brakes, it is important to keep your eyes on the road at all times.
Average Everyday Asshole: Never check your mirrors when you are changing lanes. The huge SUV that it’s your God-given right to drive will pulverize anyone foolish enough to get in your way.

4.)
Ricer: Don’t talk on the phone. You have an unlimited texting plan. Use it.
Average Everyday Asshole: Talk on the phone at all times. Statistics that suggest doing so is more dangerous than drunk driving are a lie perpetrated by the devil liberals.

3.)
Ricer: Your parking brake is actually designed for handbrake turns. Make sure to practice on wet roads at high speeds. Good drifters are sideways at all times.
Average Everyday Asshole: What’s a parking brake? Your transmission wouldn’t have a ‘Park’ setting if you needed to do anything else when parking on a hill.

2.)
Ricer: Everybody loves the sound your car makes with your new exhaust. Share this sound with as many people as you can by driving through residential neighborhoods at wide open throttle no earlier than 2 a.m.
Average Everyday Asshole: Anything that’s loud must be a terrorist. Drown out their evil ways by blasting the Clear Channel radio station of your choice.

1.)
Ricer: Don’t upgrade your brakes when you buy bigger rims. Physics doesn’t apply to your car. Stopping distances don’t matter as much as looks anyway.
Average Everyday Asshole: Don’t ever bother learning how to use the full ability of your brakes. That Driver’s Ed course in high school is the only training an expert like you ever needs. Driving a really big SUV will mean that you’ll obliterate anyone foolish enough to get in your way anyways. Driving well is for suckers.

So what have we learned? Well, that asshole drivers are asshole drivers, regardless of whether they're driving a Civic, a Camaro or a Dodge Caravan. So don't stereotype that one or this one. Not when there's one group we can all agree is really in need of a talking to — old people in Florida with a driver's license.

[via The Daily Interweb]

Send an email to Wes Siler, the author of this post, at wes@jalopnik.com.

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